So today I remembered that I used to have a MySpace page. I hadn't been on in literally years, so I logged on and began to look through some of my old pictures and comments. There was a "blog" feature similar to Facebook's "notes," so I clicked on that and found several private blog entries I wrote that I had completely forgotten about. In fact, even while re-reading them, I don't remember writing any of them. It seems like so long ago. With each paragraph I read, it doesn't feel like me. Not my writing style anymore, way too much sarcasm... but I know it was me. Funny how much I've changed in the last four years.
Another thing that's neat about the entry below is that this was written right in the midst of my coming-back-to-Christ experience that has become such a wonderful part of my testimony. I didn't remember that I had written something so honest and personal during this time of my life, but I'm so glad I did. This leaves me in awe of the way God was transforming me. He was working in my heart before my friend died. His love for me is so evident here, even within the words of doubt and hesitation in the entry below.
This is brutally honest and contains many of my doubts, so I feel a little hesitant to share it, but I feel like I should. This shows the awesomeness of God. Tears are forming in my eyes the more I realize how He has worked in my life every step of the way. I had no idea what was going to happen in two weeks, but He did. And He was already preparing me to heal from the pain.
(The entry was incredibly long, so I deleted a few sections, but you will get the main idea of it.)
Recently, I've been praying... a lot. Mainly because there's been a lot of things going on the past few weeks that have sent me spiraling down into that moment where I'm sitting there in the midst of horror and I'm just like, "I'm about to get hurt, aren't I?" and then I have to decide whether or not to be depressed and bitter or to endure and trust God and push forward with my true friends. Most of my life, I've chosen the depression.
Most of my life, when I get to that moment, I choose to pity myself and take all of my problems on myself and shut down my emotions and shut out everyone else and then blame God for absolutely everything. It's a sin that I seem to fall for the easiest. Only recently have I realized how wrong that truly is.
So that's basically what the past few weeks have been like for me. A lot has happened. It's just left me down in the dumps, and I'm refusing to become all depressed and suicidal, so I've turned to God for the first time in... forever. Even when I am going through a rough patch--even if someone has taken my heart and then given it right back to me--I need to have faith. I'm not all-knowing. I don't know what God's plan is for my life, but it's my duty to trust in Him... not decide that I'm an agnostic every time something goes wrong. I have to have faith.
So I've been praying and I've found out a lot.
Jesus loves me. Hello, obvious. I just haven't been able to accept that Jesus Christ actually loves me and died for me and cares about me just like He cares about every other human being on this planet. I'm not worthless. I'm loved too. Everyone is loved, and most of us can't seem to get that. I sure couldn't. And now I think I can.
Recently I've been praying. Even the most simple prayers have been hard for me the past eight months or so, because last year was crazy-bad for me and I lost a lot of faith. But I've still been praying. You know, this is your chance, God. If you let me down this time, I'm giving up on you forever. I can't handle this on my own. Will you just help me get through today without having to hide to keep from crying? And I wasn't quite sure what would happen, but wow... it worked. God listened.
Life is getting better... I'm getting over it. Disappointment is still there, but life is okay. Everything is not all on my shoulders. I can breathe for once. Jesus has taken this burden for me and made me whole again... and that amazes me. To think I have been trying to handle my own problems eight out of ten times my whole life--I have held that tiny bit of me from God, unsure if He could handle it--but now I've tried it, and look where I am!
And suddenly, I want to help others. I'm still embarrassed about what I've done. I'm still finding out who I am inside. But I've found out who I can go to when I'm hurt and when I'm broken. I'm not alone in my problems. God's not just here when everything's going great. He's the one who's waiting to take my hand when I'm split in two, but He can only take my hand if I let Him.
So all I really need is to just trust in Him.
Despite the fact that the little girl writing the entry above was broken and confused and about to be hurt beyond all words, I will treasure this journal entry forever. I'm so glad I found it.
The Lord is so loving. Thank You, Jesus, for holding me through everything.