Day 28: If you could do one thing to make the world a better place, what would you do?

It depends on how big this one thing could be.  I wish I could end world hunger.  That's one thing, right?  But I know that's big.  That's huge.  Hunger and poverty are both issues that fill me with passion.  If I could do something huge to ensure that there would never be a starving child again, I would in a heartbeat.

If my one thing had to be smaller, I think I would write a book.  A very impacting book.  I've always wanted to be remembered through my writing, so writing a book that would touch many hearts would be something amazing for me.  Perhaps the "one" book would touch people's hearts and convince the world to turn around and provide hungry kids with food.  Perhaps the book would fill young girls struggling with depression and no self worth with hope. 

We can do anything with Christ's help.  One day I will write a book that touches hearts... and I can do more than that because I'm not limited to only one thing to make the world a better place.  We've been made to glorify God.  We can perform amazing things for Him.

John 14:12
"Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father."

We are meant for greatness.

How would you answer this question?

During my first three years of high school, I always used to perceive the seniors above me as being crazy.  Not the clinically insane kind of crazy, but rather living the ideal high school life: partying all night long, never doing homework, and always, always having a good time kind of crazy.  At least, it sure seemed that way.  No matter what time it was, whenever I saw the seniors, they were all smiling and laughing about something.  In class, in the halls, at lunch, at Bible study... the seniors always seemed to be having a crazy good time.

What an unbelievably exciting thing to anticipate for my senior year.

Even towards the end of my junior year, my friends and I would discuss how eager we were to become seniors.  "Now we're just going to be able to relax and have fun," we'd tell each other.  "I can't wait to become a senior and just go crazy!"  Even a mere four months away from being actual seniors, my friends and I had no idea.

Our perception of seniors was correct... in a way.  Do we act crazy?  Yes.  Definitely in the partying together kind of way, but perhaps a little in the clinically insane kind of way too.

My senior year has probably been the biggest emotional rollercoaster I've experienced since middle school (when everything was reason for drama) and most of my friends would probably agree with me.  Senior year has been crazy.  Sometimes in a good way and sometimes not.

I think everything I experience these days comes in extremes.  I'm either having a blast with friends while fighting shaving cream battles and prank wars and hosting movie nights... or I'm panicking about my future, wondering where on earth God wants me to go for college... or I'm terrified about leaving my family and friends and I feel both sad and scared at the same time.  Occasionally, I'll feel mellow, but even on those days, I seem to switch to the extreme.  "I don't care.  I just don't care.  Why do school work?  Why hang out?  Why do anything?  I think I'll just sleep for the rest of my life."  I think at times, there are so many confusing emotions and fears churning around in my head, it's hard to feel only one thing at once.

There is a peace that comes from the Lord, and when I'm as frantic as I so often am, it's very easily recognizable.  There is nothing more comforting than to be faced with a life-altering decision and then to feel a flood of peace fill my heart.  It helps me realize that God is there and taking care of me, even when I feel like I'm about to go insane.

I'm sure the seniors in my class seem just as crazy to all of the underclassmen as the previous seniors did to me.  You know, we are trying to make memories and leave a legacy behind us and enjoy the last few weeks we have with each other.  Imagine if you were told you had nine months left to live.  During those nine months, you'd try to enjoy yourself as much as possible, right?  On a lesser scale, we've been given nine months together as a class before we must go our separate ways... forever.  That leaves just a little bit of pressure.  If we want to have good memories, we've got to make them right now.

Honestly, I don't know one senior right now who isn't dealing with some tough issues.  Every single person in my close knit group of friends has struggled with something difficult this year.  Perhaps God is preparing us for our futures, which are sure to be filled with occasional trials.  Perhaps it's just a part of the stress that comes with entering a new chapter of our lives.

I've enjoyed my senior year of high school.  I truly have.  God has taught me so much during these stressful last months.  I know it has been good for me.  But I'm writing this to debunk the theory that all seniors are crazy.  ...Well, perhaps we are crazy, but it isn't always in the partying all day kind of way.  Half the time, we're crazy in the clinically insane kind of way.  It's tough to grow up.

But I wouldn't give up these moments for anything.

Osama Bin Laden is dead.

When I first heard the news, I'll admit that my immediate reaction was a huge sigh of relief.  He's gone.  He's dead.  He can't hurt any more people.  I proceeded to run downstairs, saying excitedly, "Turn on the TV! He's dead! He's finally dead!"  I felt like one of the munchkins from the Wizard of Oz, singing, "Ding dong, the wicked witch is dead."  At first, I was so very excited. 

Although I never personally knew anyone who died on 9/11, I was still hugely affected by that attack.  I was nearly nine years old at the time and I was old enough to understand that something very, very cruel and inhumane had just occurred, but I was too young to truly understand what was going on.  He killed all of those people, so why would he not kill me?  I was terrified that Bin Laden -the evil man on the television- would come after me and my family next.

Osama Bin Laden represented all of the fear I felt for two terror-filled years of my childhood.  I had panic attacks as a nine year old girl that sent me to the emergency room.  My insomnia began around that time.  I wouldn't go outside.  I wouldn't eat or drink for fear of anthrax poisoning.  Whenever I heard a plane fly overhead, tears would fill my eyes.  Of course Bin Laden wasn't the sole cause of the Twin Towers attack, but because he was such a leader, in my young mind, he represented everything horrible and frightening and inhuman about what was going on in the world.  Even for years after, an image of his face would send cold chills down my spine.

So why am I not glad he's dead?

After watching the news with my family, when I went back upstairs to my bedroom, I sat down and burst into tears because an image of my Savior flashed through my mind.  Jesus Christ, sitting in heaven with tears streaming down His scarred face.  After He suffered and died for every person on earth, yet another of His children will spend eternity in hell.  Despite how many people Osama Bin Laden murdered... despite how many lives were destroyed because of this man, Jesus still died for him.  Jesus gave His life for Osama Bin Laden.  And now Bin Laden's soul will burn in hell for eternity.

Did he deserve it?  He certainly did.  Do I deserve such a thing?  Yes.  Yes, I do.

A tear rolls down my cheek as I write these words. I never, never thought I would cry over the death of Osama Bin Laden.

Right now, nearly everyone I know is rejoicing over the death of Osama Bin Laden and for a little while, I was too.  In my mind, the last piece of that part my life is finally gone.  No more destruction at the hands of Bin Laden.  But I can't rejoice at the death of the man anymore.

Osama Bin Laden was created and cherished by God.  He turned away from God's plans, and I'm sure that must break the Lord's heart.

We may be rejoicing down here on earth, but surely, surely Jesus is mourning.  His child is lost for eternity.

After a long, rambling, and probably purposeless blog entry, I've come to a final thought.  I will rejoice that no more destruction will come at the hand of Osama Bin Laden.  I'm so glad he can do no more damage and will shatter no more lives.  But I ache for the lost soul of a fellow human being.  And I ache because surely the heart of Jesus Christ -the One who suffered and bled on a cross for those like Osama Bin Laden and me- is aching too.

As far back as I can remember, my mom has always told me to be careful what I say or do because my little sister and her friends look up to me.  If I mess up, they might follow my example.  I used to think that was silly.  Why would she look up to me?  I'm her sister, for crying out loud.  The older I've gotten, the more I've heard the same thing from other people.  My daughter looks up to you.  Remember that you're a leader to younger girls.  I'll admit I used to think that was an excuse for adults to try to convince me (and other girls my age) to do the right thing.

As time has passed and especially over this last year or two, I've noticed that what adults have told me is true.  Younger girls do look up to me and my friends.  The more I think about it, the more I realize that's a big responsibility.

I've always been the oldest child in my family, so I think it's taken me longer than most to realize how much my little siblings do look up to me.  I've never had an older sibling I admired.  But over time, I've slowly begun to realize that my sister has looked up to me as a leader and a role model since she was a baby who would mimic my silly hand motions and short words.

A month or two ago, some of my close friends and I went to our church's youth group and spoke to the middle school girls about purity.  I was a little concerned that they wouldn't care what we were saying, that they would think it was silly that girls only five or six years older than them were coming to speak.  However, the moment we sat down in the chairs and began to talk, the girls watched us attentively.  They seemed to genuinely want to hear what we had to say.  Many had eager questions for us about our opinions on dating and premarital sex and teenage pregnancy. 

That night was a moment when I realized that younger girls do look up to me.  The way I live my life is being closely watched by the young girls around me.  My actions may even be repeated.

I don't know how old you are, but even if you're one of my youngest readers, there are girls younger than you who are watching the way you act and the things you say.  They look up to you and are watching to see how you decide to live your life.  Somewhere right now there is a little girl who wants to be just like you.

Process that for a moment.

There is a little girl somewhere who wants to be you.

This should drastically affect the way we treat the people around us.  How could I ever stand to snap at my mom over the phone when there are younger girls watching me and thinking to themselves, "She's really cool.  I want to be like her.  It must be okay to treat my mom like that."  How could I ever wear immodest and provocative clothes that I wouldn't feel comfortable seeing on my little sister?  How could I ever switch from boyfriend to boyfriend before the eyes of young girls who are watching to see how they're supposed to be in a few years?

We are their example.

Sometimes I hate considering myself to be any kind of role model because I make so many mistakes every single day.  I'll never be "good enough" to be a true role model for young girls.  Jesus Christ should be the One we strive to be like.  We should want to be like Him.  However, not all little girls understand that fact.  Instead, they look to older girls like you and me when they want to know how to act and who to be like. 

We'll always mess up.  We're sinful.  We're human.  The fact that little girls are looking to us to see how to act should inspire us to strive to be the best role models and leaders we can be.  Since we'll never be good enough role models on our own, let's strive to be like Jesus Christ.  What better way to encourage and lead little girls than by showing them Him through us?

Day 25: How is God working in your life right now?

Right now, God is working in my life in a lot of different ways.  I've been having a lot of struggles about which school I'm going to attend and what God wants for my future.  In my enrollments, mistakes have been made and minds have been changed.  I've been forced to wait, be disappointed, and then sit down and wait again as my hopes rise to the ceiling.  I think God's been teaching me patience a lot lately.

I'm a generally impatient person.   I hate it when I plan to meet a friend and she's more than a few minutes late.  When I have to wait, I start to feel fidgety and restless.  I become extremely annoyed if I have to wait longer than six or seven minutes.  Once I made Ali buy me something as penalty for making me wait thirty minutes. ;)

I can get impatient with God at times too.  If I've been praying for something big in my life and He isn't seeming to answer, I start to feel angry and offended.  But honestly, who am I to ask anything of God?  I'm nothing compared to Him.  I'm so blessed that He's given me worth at all.  

Patience is something I need to learn and I think it's also something that God is slowly teaching me this year. 

He's also teaching me selflessness.  It's very easy to become self-absorbed during such a crazy time as this.  Whether it's through the stories of those in third world countries who are dying each day from preventable issues like malaria and hunger or whether it's through small areas of my life like sharing my room with my best friend or learning what it's like to give up a piece of my schedule for someone else... God is slowly working in my life and teaching me how to be more self-sacrificing.

And of course, God is working in my life by showing me that He's there.  I mean, this is my senior year.  I have only a month left of school.  Life is pretty crazy right now.  Yet God is here.  He's taking care of me.  He loves me and He reminds me of that each and every day.

Here are today's questions.
1.) How is God working in your life right now?
2.) Are there any struggles that you're going through? Any prayer requests?

Day 19: What is your favorite Bible verse and why?

I've shared this on here before, but my favorite verse is Psalm 77:19.


I took the picture to your right a couple of weeks after Gatlin's death.  Around this time, about two weeks after Gatlin committed suicide, I was still feeling angry with God.  Only months before I had rededicated my life to Him after years of abandoning Him.  That summer, I had decided I couldn't handle my own life anymore.  It caused too much pain.  I gave my life to God instead.  At the time, it seemed like God had failed.  I still felt pain.  In fact, I was feeling more pain than I had possibly ever felt in my entire life.

Gatlin was dead.  He wasn't coming back.  I blamed myself.  And it hurt.

"God, how could you let this happen to me?" I would pray bitterly, but God wouldn't give an answer.  I couldn't feel Him at all.  Where was He?

After a couple of weeks, I decided to try reading the Bible.  During the previous summer, my thirst for God's Word had enveloped me.  I read through the entire Bible in a couple of weeks, making notes and highlighting passages and feeling a hunger for truth.  I didn't want to believe just what I'd been taught my entire life anymore.  I wanted to know God for myself. 

I hadn't read the Bible since Gatlin died.

I let the Bible fall open onto my lap, not caring what passage I read.  I couldn't think of anything at the time that could possibly make me feel better.  Not Romans 8, not Psalm 23.  Nothing off the top of my head could possibly soothe my aching heart.  The Bible flipped open to Psalm 77.  Sure, I'd read the passage before, but nothing about it had stuck out in the past.  This time a verse seemed to scream up at me. 

Your path led through the sea, Your way through the mighty waters...

That was me.  My life was an absolute mess.  Gatlin's death had thrown everything to pieces around me.  My life was a raging sea of pain and grief and confusion.  I was drowning.

...though Your footprints were not seen.

Was this a message from God?  I couldn't feel His presence anywhere around me.  He hadn't seemed to be responding to my desperation and my pleading for Gatlin's life.  I hadn't felt God in weeks.  Could this be Him? 

It was like He was holding me that night, rocking me in His arms like a little child.  My footprints are there, Emily, even though you can't see them right now.  I'm still working through this mess.  

At that moment, I felt peace wash over me like a gentle wave.  Yes, the pain was still there, hurting as bad as it ever did.  Yes, I still felt incredible guilt and hurt over Gatlin's suicide.  But I could feel God.  I finally felt God.  His footprints were there in my life, even when I couldn't see them.

There are other passages of the Bible that I absolutely adore, like James 1:27 and Psalm 91 and others, but I'll never forget how the Lord gave me Psalm 77:19 when I needed it so badly.

What is your favorite verse and why?  

Day 15: Have you ever regretted something you DIDN'T do?

Of course I have.  Some people keep a "no regrets" mindset, but I don't.  I think it's okay to have regrets, so long as they don't define your life.  I regret every sin I've ever committed because each one has hurt God.  I've also regretted things I haven't done that I should have.

I think I've written about this instance on my blog before, but I'll go ahead and share it again.

A few years ago, I was hanging out at a basketball game with some old friends of mine.  We merged with another group of teens and the talk soon transformed into swearing and sexual innuendos.  I didn't want to seem rude and holier-than-thou by abruptly leaving the group, so I stayed in the conversation, although I avoided the cussing and inappropriate topics. 

A little while later, one of the guys from the other group of kids pulled me aside.  "There's something about you that's different from all of us.  You stand out.  What is it?" he asked me outright. 

I've always been shy, and I was much more shy back then than I am now.  I was a bit embarrassed by this strange boy's full attention on the way I acted.  I didn't want to sound preachy or too Christian.  I was terrified that I would say the true reason I was different -because of how Jesus had changed me- and then he would laugh and walk away.  I hesitated before saying, "I don't think there's anything different about me."

"No, there is something different.  I can see it.  What is it?" the boy pressed further.

In my heart, I knew this was my chance.  I could share my faith with this kid who had so obviously seen Christ in me.  He wanted to know what made me different.  But I chickened out again and said, "It's nothing.  I'm just a unique person."  The boy finally accepted my words and didn't say anything else about the subject.

I went home that night and cried.  I'd missed my opportunity.  I had acted like I was ashamed of Christ, not like I was a radical follower of Him.  That boy was searching for the truth and he sure didn't find it through me. 

I still think about that moment with regret.  How I wish I could go back sometimes.  My biggest consolation is that I know God still loves that boy.  He'll send another opportunity to find Him that kid's way if He hasn't already.  I just wish I had done my part and fulfilled my purpose in the Lord.

Do you regret anything you didn't do? 

Day 12: If you knew you would die in two weeks, would you change anything about your life right now?

I've thought a lot about this.  To an extent, I think I definitely need to make a change in my life.  I have no idea how long I'm going to live.  I could die tomorrow.  I could die today.  I should live like every day is my last and make the most of the time I have.

On the other hand, I still need to plan for a future.  I need to save money for college and work on getting an education.  All of this I would ignore if I knew I was going to die in two weeks.  I'd quit my tutoring job and I'd probably quit high school too.  I'd start spending and giving away my money on worthy causes.  If I probably won't die in two weeks, I'd definitely still want to continue with school and my job and my savings.  I wouldn't be counting down the clock.  I'd be instead optimistically planning for the future. 

Some things I would change about my life in those two weeks would be...
 
- I would say "I love you" to my family and friends more.  My family is actually pretty good about saying that sort of thing, but I'd say it even more.  I'd also start writing letters to each person in my family, telling them how much they mean to me.  I wouldn't want to die with anyone wondering where they stood with me.  I'd want everyone to feel loved by me.

- I'd spend more time around people and less time alone.  While I love my privacy and alone time, I'd be spending time around others as a way to say goodbye.  I would want everyone to have closure, and I'd want to make the most of the time I had... with my family.

- I would write as much as I possibly could.  Right now, I write a lot, but if I knew I was going to die, I'd start cramming the writing in and perfecting what I wanted to be published someday.  In a lot of ways, writing is my legacy, so I'd want it to live on after I died.

- I would give more things away.  I'd give some things to friends and family as tokens and reminders of me.  I'd give other things away to the poor and the needy because I sure wouldn't need those things anymore.  My car, clothing, and guitars, for example.

- I would make sure I was right with God.  Even though I know the Lord is merciful and would still love me unconditionally, I wouldn't want to have a grudge or the burden of a sin on my shoulders while I stood before Him for the first time.  This is something that I should do right now.  Every moment I live, I should try to stay right with God.  I shouldn't ever hold something until I think I may die.

If you knew you would die in two weeks, what would you change about your life? 

Day 6: Describe a specific moment where God obviously was working in your life.

There have been many moments where God has obviously worked in my life.  He's been involved in my life since day one.  But if I was to pick one moment, I'd have to pick an instance from the summer before my freshman year of high school.

My eighth grade year, I was struggling with severe depression and an addiction to cutting.  I hated myself and I wanted to die.  My parents had me see a counselor after a failed suicide attempt, but when you aren't willing to listen, you won't learn, and that's exactly what happened to me. 

The summer before my freshman year of high school, I made a deal with God.  I know that's a bad thing to do, but I didn't care.  I had pretty much stopped believing in God anyways.  I openly denied His existence to my friends.  I was sure that if He actually existed, He would have taken away my depression long before.  He would make me happy again.  So yes, I made a deal with God, mostly so I could blame my future death on His lack of presence in my life.  I asked God to show me that He was working in my life over the summer or I would kill myself before school began.  My end of the deal was if He showed me that He could work in my life, then I would give myself to Him because I sure couldn't handle things on my own anymore.

Basically, over that summer, God used me in ways I never thought possible.  My parents forced me to attend this training called Christian Youth In Action that teaches teens how to witness to kids.  Since I didn't believe in God, that was a big problem.  I hated the training.  On the fourth day, we had to open air evangelize to children, and by accident, my leader approached a short, young-looking nineteen-year-old girl.  Humiliated and shy, I shared the gospel, expecting her to laugh and walk away, but much to my surprise, the girl asked Jesus into her heart that day.

\That night, I went home and wept.  For the first time, I knew that God had just worked through me without any effort on my part.

Over the course of the summer, I was given the opportunity to lead more than thirty people to Christ, both children and adults.  That was not me.  There was no way a shy, depressed, doubtful fourteen-year-old girl could have done something like that on her own.  I was so shy, I could hardly approach my friends, let alone a complete stranger.  God worked through me that summer.  There's no doubt.

I also went on a mission trip to Mexico City and was given the chance to work with kids living in poverty.  I got to share my testimony through an interpreter, the first time I'd ever done something like that before.  I learned what it meant to sacrifice my own comfort for the sake of somebody else.  I also was a counselor at Angel Tree Camp, a camp for kids with incarcerated parents.

By the end of that summer, there was no doubt in my mind.  God had worked through me.  From then on, I knew it would be a struggle for me to entirely give myself to Him.  Sometimes I still pull away.  Sometimes I clutch at my dreams and don't let Him take control, but I do have a deal to keep.  And my life is still His, even when I mess up.

How has God worked in your life?  

Day 5: What in life is most beautiful to you?

I'm the one who made up these questions for the 30 Day Blogging Challenge, but I have no idea what to say in response to this question.  Why did I choose to ask this?  Why?

What in life is most beautiful to me?  Hmm...

I'm afraid that no matter what I say, I'm going to sound totally corny, so beware now.  I'm wracking my brain for something that will sound totally deep, but I don't think I'm going to come up with anything good.

Okay, after spending the last seven minutes wondering what in life is most beautiful to me, I've got it.  And I'm not just saying this to sound deep, because I don't think it's that deep at all.  This is the truth.

The most beautiful thing to me is compassion.  I love to see compassion and empathy in other people.  When I see a person make a sacrifice to help someone in need, I almost always get chills on my arms.  God has made us to have compassion on one another, but it's been forgotten so often these days.  I love hearing stories about children and elderly and those living in third world countries and basically anyone who reaches out to help another human being.  That is one of the most wonderful things in the world.

Compassion. 

Compassion is beauty to me.  When I see compassion in the hearts of those around me, their actions and lives have never looked more beautiful.

Here are today's questions.
1. What in life is most beautiful to YOU?
2. Where have you seen compassion lately?

Day 3: What are three of your biggest passions?

Before I answer this question, I'd like to put Jesus at the top of this list, but because that is an obvious Sunday school answer to this sort of question, I'm not going to include Him in my list today.  Just putting that out there.

Writing.
Writing has been a passion of mine for as long as I can remember.  I've wanted to be a writer since I was three or four years old.  I made up stories before I could actually read.  Nothing else on earth gives me that same feeling of excitement and joy than writing does.  It's truly a passion of mine.  If I go more than a day without writing, my heart starts to ache in my chest.  I feel like a day has been purposeless if I haven't written something. 

Writing is a love that God has given me.  Whether He's given me talent is up to you to decide, but even if I'm an awful writer, that's okay.  That won't change my passion for writing.  I know a lot of people find my passion for writing to be funny.  Most people hate it... like my friends, for example.  But I don't.  I have a love for writing the way some people love nature and the way some people love music. 

When I write, I create. 

Africa.
My heart hurts for everyone in the world who is struggling with poverty, but for some reason, a huge chunk of my heart lies with the people in Africa.  When I visited Kenya, my love for Africa expanded even more... and I didn't think that was possible.  The people I met were filled with joy and peace and beauty.  They taught me so much, even though they had so little.

No matter what I end up doing with my life, I know God is going to use me to help Africa in some way.  He's given me that love. 

Those struggling with self worth.
As a young teen, I struggled with depression, suicidal thoughts, and self injury.  I've been through those emotions and feelings of absolute hopelessness.  I was once a little girl who felt worthless and unlovable.  I hurt myself because I thought I deserved the pain.  I thought I deserved to die.  As I've grown older, the Lord has shown me how much worth I truly have.  I am His treasured possession.  At times, that is a hard thing to accept, especially after I've taught myself to feel stupid and ugly and without value. 

I feel a great empathy for other young girls who are struggling with these issues.  I know what it's like to feel worthless and I don't want any other girl to have to feel the same way.  It is sometimes difficult for me to forgive myself for the things I've done.  I've damaged God's temple.  I hated His creation when I hated myself.  When I have the chance to talk to girls who are struggling with the same things that I once struggled with, in a way, I feel redemption.  The Lord can use my most shameful and painful mistakes to glorify Him and help others. 

For the rest of my life, I want my struggles and past to be available for the Lord to use for His glory.  If there is a young girl who will be encouraged by my testimony, then I will be eager to share it with her. 

No girl should ever feel ugly or worthless.

Here are today's questions:
1. What are your three biggest passions?
2. Have you ever struggled with self worth?    
 

Day 2: Has a painful experience ever had a positive impact on your life?

When I was fifteen, a close friend of mine committed suicide.  That was probably the most difficult time of my entire life.  It's hard to accept the fact that your friendship isn't enough to keep someone alive. 

Before Gatlin died, I had never really experienced death.  A couple of great grandmas had passed away and I was extra close to one of them, but they were old and their deaths didn't come as a shock like Gatlin's did.  I had never lost someone close to me... and I had certainly never known someone whose death was self-inflicted.  I think it's most difficult to come to terms with a suicide, more than with any other death, simply because you keep asking yourself, "Why?" and "Could I have prevented this?"

Guilt was a huge issue after Gatlin committed suicide.  I couldn't stop wondering -and I still sometimes wonder- whether or not I could have done anything to keep him alive.  I didn't understand why he would end his life over something so silly.  I didn't understand why he would willingly hurt every single person who knew him.

When we were both in middle school and struggling with depression, Gatlin and I made a promise to each other, "If you go, I go."  We basically agreed that if one of us committed suicide, the other one would too.  We were each other's accountability in a way.  Gatlin died years after we made this "deal."  Although I had already overcome my depression, I was suddenly faced with the issue of our promise.  I felt deep down like I was breaking my word, even though dying would have been much worse than not keeping a silly promise.  And why did Gatlin get an escape from life when I had to stay on earth, suffering without him?  It just didn't seem fair.

Another struggle I dealt with was with God.  The summer before Gatlin died, I had rededicated my life to Christ.  I gave every part of me to the Lord after realizing I could never handle it on my own.  However, after losing Gatlin, I was faced with the painful reality that even though I had found the Lord again and found joy, there was still suffering.  I didn't like that at all.  I was angry at God for a long time.  "After all I've given You, after all You've promised... You let this happen?  How could You?"  I began an ongoing struggle with God.  Why did He let me feel so much hurt?

The first time I opened my Bible after Gatlin's death, I stumbled across Psalm 77:19.  It was an obscure verse.  I'd never paid attention to its words before, but this time, they seemed to blaze through my mind. 

This verse made me realize that even though I couldn't see God anywhere in the chaos after Gatlin's death, He was still there.  My grief and guilt were like an ocean of churning waters.  I was nearly drowning.  However, God's footprints were silently moving through my life, slowly healing my wounds and bringing my head above water.  I wasn't going to drown.  He was there, even though I couldn't see Him.

It's been a little over three years since Gatlin died.  These three years have brought a transformation in my life.  I've been forced to trust the Lord in difficult circumstances.  Without Him, I could not have made it through.  He has shown me that I can survive anything with His help.

While I still ache over Gatlin's death and wish he never would have made the decision to end his own life, God has turned his death into a source of healing and transformation.  So in a way, the painful experience of losing my friend to suicide has made a positive impact on my life.  I've learned how to be strong.  I've learned how to trust God, even when it hurts.  And I've learned that it's possible to heal.     

You know, being negative is one of the easiest habits you can make.  It might start out with a bad day or something that makes you pretty mad... and then suddenly, your entire outlook is transformed.  Honestly, is it easier to remember the difficult things that happen in a day or the happy things? 

I've noticed lately that many of the people around me are much more negative than they are positive.  I also easily fall into this habit.  I go to school and a friend walks up to me and says, "I'm so tired.  My alarm clock didn't wake me up this morning, so I had to get ready in five minutes.  Plus, I didn't get to do my homework last night, so I'm going to fail," and in an agreeing way, I often reply with something like, "Ugh, I know.  I didn't fall asleep until three in the morning.  I'm exhausted.  I hope I didn't fail the test last period."  And so the negativity begins.

This needs to stop. 

When we're as pessimistic as we so often are, we're putting down the blessings we've been given by God.  We're ignoring the good things in our lives and focusing on the negative.  Look at the things you do have.  Life, breath in your lungs, a Savior...  There are so many gifts you've been given and those are only a few.

1 Chronicles 16:10 says, "...Let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice."

\Sometimes, you gotta vent.  I understand that because I have to vent too.  But when the conversations you have with the people around you become more negative than they are positive, there is a problem.  This week, I challenge you to outnumber the negative things you say with positive things.  If you're feeling brave, I challenge you to not say anything negative at all, at least for an entire day. 

Instead of negativity, fill your thoughts with happy things, with your blessings.  If someone hurts your feelings, remind yourself about the friends you do have.  If you wake up late, just think... you got a few minutes of extra sleep.  If you get into an argument, remember that difficult situations sometimes happen, but they don't have to define your day.  When you begin to shape your thoughts to think about joyful things rather than negativity, your entire outlook on life will begin to change.

God created you to be joyful, not down in the dumps and full of complaints.  1 Thessalonians 5:15-18 says, "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."  You were made to be joyful.  Not lonely.  Not sulky.  Not negative.  Not complaining.  Strive to be thankful, even if you're having a tough time.

After all, there are so many things to be thankful for.  If you're having trouble finding them, it may be time to start to change the way you think. 

I remember reading Numbers 11:1 last year and feeling shocked.  "Now the people complained about their hardships in the hearing of the LORD, and when he heard them his anger was aroused. Then fire from the LORD burned among them and consumed some of the outskirts of the camp."  God hates complaining.  I can complain a lot at times.  I stubbed my toe.  I'm tired.  I have a headache.  I've had a bad day.  It's so easy to dwell on the negative.  But negativity causes God's anger to burn.

Yes, it's easy to think about how much you don't fit in or how bad of a day you've had or how much you wish you could be doing something else than what you're doing with your life... but it isn't God's will for you to dwell on the bad stuff in your life.  He has blessed you, even if you don't feel like He has.  If you're breathing right now, you're blessed.  If you have one friend, you're blessed.  If you have an education or food to eat, you're blessed.  You've been blessed.  It's time to act like it.

Have you ever known a true pessimist?  You know, someone who can twist any situation into something awful?  Aren't they an irritating person to be around?  Don't they just bring you down?  Try to remember that when you're with friends and constantly complaining or talking about negative subjects, you're bringing your friends down.  You don't want to be "that friend" who brings everybody down with your pessimism.    

You know, your relationship with Jesus Christ should give you joy.  Are you focusing on the joy in your life or the things that make you unhappy?  Which do you think glorifies God more: negativity or positivity?  The Lord has given us so much.  Let's thank Him with our thoughts, words, and actions and try to keep them positive.  Does anyone agree?

Philippians 4:4
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!      

Lately, I've been thinking about how valuable life is.  I often hear stories about people who have died in tragic accidents or from diseases.  I see their smiling faces in photographs that have merely snapped a glimpse of who they were when they were still alive.  Life is precious.  I forget that sometimes.

A few months ago, I read about a girl named Shannon Tavarez.  At eleven years old, she'd already achieved remarkable success in her life.  She was Young Nala in New York's Broadway show of "Lion King."  She was known for her big voice, beautiful smile, and determined spirit.  Last April, Shannon discovered she had a serious form of cancer called acute myelogenous leukemia and would require a bone marrow transplant to save her life.  Unfortunately, Shannon was part Hispanic and part black, so it was nearly impossible to find a perfect bone marrow match.  Multiple celebrities such as Alicia Keys and Rihanna rallied for Shannon, begging people to be tested and donate bone marrow for Shannon, in hopes of saving her life.  Even 50 Cent offered to donate his own marrow if he was a match.

Unfortunately, on November 1, 2010, Shannon succumbed to leukemia after a six month battle.  Her death was a huge blow for the many people who had rallied for her and tried so hard to save her.  How discouraging!  Shannon was so young.  She had such a promising future.  And suddenly, she was gone. 

When I first heard about Shannon's death, I was incredibly discouraged.  "After all that," I thought to myself, "after so many people stood up and fought with her, she still died.  This is one of the most depressing stories I've ever heard."  However, Shannon's story doesn't have to be so depressing.  Her legacy encouraged people to donate their marrow and be tested... and that donated marrow will save lives.  Many celebrities donated their time (and even offered their own marrow!) for Shannon's cause.  Shannon taught so many people empathy and positivity and sacrifice and hope.

Shannon's death was very tragic.  She was only eleven years old... and her death could have been prevented if the right bone marrow match had come forward.  But Shannon stayed positive and strong, and she made the best out of the life she had.

You may be having a difficult time in your life right now.  You may be struggling so badly that you feel like you're drowning in a world where nobody understands, where nobody cares.  I've been there before.  I've contemplated and even attempted suicide.  I've been there.  Life is a gift, but it can be very hard at times.  If you're struggling with depression or thoughts of suicide right now, please remember the value of the life you've been given.  God gave you your life for a reason.  Deuteronomy 14:2 says that the Lord has chosen you to be His treasured possession.  You're His.  You're valued.  Your life is precious.

Three years ago, a friend of mine committed suicide.  In one moment of recklessness, he ended his entire life.  He stopped the plans God was working in his life.  He abandoned his purpose because he didn't think life was worth living anymore.  Gatlin had so much potential.  He was smart and kind and talented.  But he gave it all up.  It's difficult to come to terms with the fact that your loved one didn't find your friendship enough of a reason to stay alive.  That's tough.

If you or a loved one or an acquaintance is contemplating suicide, please seek help.  Life is precious.  Nothing is worth destroying the plans that God has made for you.  Jeremiah 29:11 says, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"  Life is precious.

You may have been walking through life recently, trying to wish the time away.  "I'm tired of high school.  I just can't wait till I graduate."  "Life is so hard right now.  If only I could move forward a year or two."  "I wish I could make time go faster."

We don't know how much time God has given us.  But whatever situation you're in right now, try to savor every moment you've been given.  Today will be the only February 16, 2011 you'll ever experience.  Don't waste it.

You may have fifty years left of your life.  You may die today.  James 4:14 says, "Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow.  What is your life?  You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes."  Make the moments you've got count.  Shannon Tavarez made a legacy with the little time she had.  She changed lives with her determination and her joy.  She helped to save lives by asking people to donate their bone marrow.  She gave people hope.  Shannon's life was short, like a mist, but she made a mark on the world with the time she had. 

Make every moment worth living.  Your life is so valuable.  Don't let it go to waste.

How will you leave your mark?

I got the pictures used in today's entry here and here.  

 
 

Some people have asked me why I choose to write so much about my faith.  Today I thought I'd share my point of view about why I write what I write. 

I have a God-given talent. 
I don't mean this in a boastful way whatsoever.  I credit everything to God.  However, I'm not afraid to say that I have been given a gift in writing.  I'm fairly good at writing and I enjoy it.  It's what I love.  The passion for writing that I have is very clearly from God.  I've made up little stories and poems since before I could actually write with a pencil.  I've always loved it, and I know God has given me this love for a reason.  How could I use it in a way that isn't for His glory?  I try to filter everything I write through Matthew 5:14, which you can read at the top of this screen.  I write as a city on a hill.  People know I'm a Christian and I want what I create to glorify God and be a light for Him.

My faith is my identity.
Everything I know and believe and ponder is wrapped around the core of my existence: my faith.  Without Christ, I don't even know what I would write about.  I write about my passions.  My greatest passion is for the One who gave me life.  My faith is a huge part of my identity.  It's who I am.

I try to be a shining light.
Obviously, there are many people of other faiths on the internet.  Not everyone who reads my blog is a Christian.  While I don't want to force my faith on anyone, I do believe my words can be a shining light for Christ.  I also hope the things I write will help to form a more positive opinion about Christians and Jesus than those that many people have.

Writing about my faith gives me joy.
I love to write about my faith.  I honestly do.  I have a passion and a love for Jesus Christ.  Shouldn't I write about what gives me joy?  My messages may not always be about my faith directly, but I do try to filter everything I write through Matthew 5:14, as a city on a hill.  

I love writing.  It's a gift God has given me, and I'm so grateful for that.  I still need to improve... a lot, I know, but that doesn't take away the passion I have for writing, whether or not I'm good.  Without writing, I don't know who I'd be or what I'd do. 

Do you see?  Maybe you do, maybe you don't.  I write what I love and there is nothing I love more than my Savior.  You might think I'm weird, but that's okay.  I'll continue to write about my faith.  You don't have to read my words if you don't want to.  Could I be more popular if I wrote about broader topics?  Perhaps, but I wouldn't have the same joy in writing as I do now.  I write what I love.  Why would I want to change that?

I have a confession to make.  Sometimes I go quite a while without thinking about God. 

I try to start out my mornings thinking about Him, saying a few prayers, listening to some praise music, and smiling at the thought of the God who made me... but I don't always.  Sometimes I'm too tired and hardly think about anything as I get ready for my day.  I try to think about God during my car rides and my days at school, but I often forget and become caught up in conversations with friends, stress about upcoming assignments, and worries about the future.  There are so many things going on in my life that I often forget to think about or pray to God.

You might feel the same way.

There are so many important things in my life right now.  I'm just too busy.  I often don't have time to have a real quiet time with God.  My schedule is really hectic right now.

Is God so small to us that we can so easily put our silly schedules above spending time with Him?

We have a Creator, a Father, a Savior.  We were made to worship Him and yet we forget our purpose in the pursuit of drama-filled friendships and struggles and jobs and grades.  Nothing is bigger than God.  Nothing is worth putting above God.

There have been times when I've gone to youth group and heard the speech about how if we love our cars or iPods or Facebooks more than anything else, then they may have become an idol in our lives.  Perhaps some teens need to hear that speech, but I often would think, "Nah, I could easily give up those things for God.  They're only material possessions.  They don't really matter."

But have you ever stopped to think that your schedule might have become an idol in your life?  Think about it.  If you're too busy to stop and think about God, if there is too much going on in your life for you to spend time with God, if you think about yourself and your own problems more than you worship God, then there is a huge problem in your life.  You're placing your wants and schedule and priorities above the One who created you and gave His life for you.  You're making your priorities and thus yourself an idol.

1 Thessalonians 5:17 says to pray continually.  Another translation of the same verse says for us to pray without ceasing.  We were made to think about the Lord constantly.  Our purpose is to glorify Him, not to focus on our own schedules.

Putting God above our schedules is much easier said than done.  Life is a big thing and when it gets in the way, it's tough to push it down and say, "No, it's God time right now."  Placing God at the top of your priority list is a difficult habit to create, but it's time to start trying.

Remember to have some sort of a quiet time with God every single day.  Take a slice out of your schedule to spend time with your Father and worship Him.  Talk to Him.  Remember Him.  Jesus Christ suffered and died for you.  The least you can do is spend some time with Him.

I wonder if it makes God sad when He is so frequently shoved into a ten or fifteen minute slot out of a day that lasts twenty-four hours.  "Okay, God.  I've given you a fifteen minute quiet time today.  Are You happy now?  Isn't that good enough?"  God is not small.  He is not insignificant.  He is life-consuming.  He should be the center of our existence.

Memorize 1 Thessalonians 5:17.  It isn't that difficult.  It's two or three words long, depending on what translation you use.  Memorize that verse and use it.  Hide it in your heart.  Spend some alone time with God each day, yes, but as you move through your busy schedule, talk to God.  Think about Him.  Let Him fill your thoughts and transform the way you live your life.  When you're consumed with the Lord, your words and actions and heart will change.  You'll glorify God with the way you live, and that's how it's meant to be.

God is not small.  Don't make Him small in your life.

Church isn't always a happy place.

As Christians, we should strive to treat each other with love and respect, but I often overhear words of hatred and anger exchanged between believers. 
"Christians shouldn't listen to instruments during worship." 
"Christians have to worship on Saturdays, not Sundays." 
"Christian girls who wear pants are immodest." 
And the arguments go on and on and on.  Some arguments are big.  Some are small.  Many are hateful and filled with bitterness. 

Why do you think there are so many branches and denominations within the church?  Everybody has differing beliefs, and that's okay.  Is there a definite right or wrong?  Yes.  Do most of these debates truly matter in the grand scheme of things?  No, not really. 

Despite our differences, we should accept one another with love, whether or not we agree with every point in each other's doctrine.  Look at Colossians 3:13-15.  "Bear with each other... And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.  Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace..."

It makes me sad when I see so many people fighting against each other when we should be of one body.  Why should we squabble like we do?  Why should we burn each other with mean words and hateful attitudes?  Why shun our brothers and sisters in Christ?  Why can't we love each other, even when we disagree?

The other night, I was reading Galatians 4-6.  Its words impacted my heart and made me ache for peace and unity.  Galatians 5:13-15 says, "...Serve one another humbly in love.  For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'  If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other."

I hear so many stories about churches breaking apart, families shunning each other, fights and debates breaking out about such small points of doctrine that they become silly.  In Galatians, the silly conflict Paul was writing about was circumcision.  Some believers had declared that circumcision was required for someone to be a Christian, which defeated the point of Christ overcoming the law.  Their words and arguments were discouraging many new and potential Christians.  Paul stated in Galatians 5:6, "For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value.  The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love." 

Do I think debating is wrong?  No, not at all.  Friendly debates are great ways to form and grow what you believe.  When you debate, you realize more and more why you believe what you believe.  However, it's very easy for a small debate to turn into a full-fledged argument.  How can you express your faith and opinions through love while in a conflict?  Here are five points I try to remind myself when I debate with a fellow believer. 

No matter what we believe, we should still be unified.
The church was meant to be a place where believers could grow together and worship God as one body.  There will be differing beliefs and varying doctrines, but there should still be a unity that brings us all together.  Jesus Christ died for each one of us and we've devoted our lives to Him.  That is our point of unity.  Look at Ephesians 4:2-6.  "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.  Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.  There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all."  We are of one faith.  It's time to act like it.

Anger and sarcasm only makes things worse.
If you struggle with taming your words, I recommend James 3.  James 3:9-10 says, "With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God's likeness.  Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing.  My brothers and sisters, this should not be."  When you're debating and feel impassioned about your beliefs, it's so easy to become angry that the person isn't saying, "Yes, you're right.  I was wrong."  They may even use their words wrongly and offend you.  No matter how good it feels to put down someone else out of anger, your sarcastic or angry words will only hurt the situation.

You don't need to convince anyone you're right.
I know it feels good to "win" a debate, but that feel-good feeling isn't worth an argument.  Which is better for keeping the peace: "I respect what you are saying, but I think we're going to have to agree to disagree" or pushing and pushing at the argument until you're both frustrated and red in the face?

Just because someone believes differently than you, don't love them any less.
Have you noticed that many Christians love on unbelievers in an attempt to be a witness, but often shun other Christians because of minor conflicts in doctrine?  "I serve prostitutes breakfast every Wednesday, but I refuse to speak to him.  He believes it's okay to read the NIV translation."  Isn't that a little messed up?  Yes, we should show constant love to unbelievers and to everyone around us, but we've been called to love each other as well.  I love Galatians 6:10, which says, "Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong in the family of believers."  Especially those who belong to our family of believers.  We've been called to love each other.  We're brothers and sisters in Christ.  We're all children of God.  Nothing should be big enough to tear us apart. 

If it isn't a factor of salvation, it doesn't really matter.
Jesus Christ is God.  He came down to earth as a human and lived without sin.  He suffered and died as a sacrifice for our sins.  Three days after He died, He came back to life and is still alive today.  That's the basics of our faith.  That is what unifies us all.  If we have that in common, we are one body, one faith.  We're united in Christ.  In the grand scheme of things, nothing else matters.

Yes, there is right or wrong.  When you're debating, one of you will be wrong.  However, if debates that do not rely on salvation are tearing apart the body of Christ, then it's time to back off.  Instead of alienating other believers, focus on your own heart and let others live what they believe.  Love. 

Ultimately, the truth will be revealed.  When we're in heaven one day, we'll be shown what is right and what is wrong.  You'll be right on some issues... and you may be wrong in others.  But one day, the truth will be unfolded.  For now, let the arguments and strife go.  Focus instead on what sums up what we believe: loving the Lord and loving each other.   
 

The clouds were dark.

The little girl stood still, silent beneath the rain that struck her skin like shards of glass.  Her hands hung limp at her sides.  She was weary from the struggle it took to merely walk under the force of the relentless storm.

I'm so tired.

The little girl's dress was once white and beautiful.  It had become tattered and gray, a remnant of what it once was.  The girl was ashamed of her dress, of her heart, of her past.  She had been fighting for so long.  The rain hadn't stopped for what seemed like years.

So many mistakes.  So many regrets that brought her to this moment.  The little girl could only stand still; too weak to press forward any longer.  She had struggled long enough.  Fragile, like a broken doll.  Once she was whole.  Once she was beautiful.  Her heart had become only filthy shards that pricked the palms of her hands.  Dirty.  Used.  Ugly.

The clouds roiled above her in an empty, darkened sky.  An angry clap of thunder crashed through the stillness of the air and the little girl fell to her knees.  She tilted her head up to the sky and screamed with all her might.  I've made so many mistakes.  I'm broken.  Worthless.  Ugly.  I can't do this anymore.

I thought I was Your child.

Tears.  Rain.  Cold.  The little girl was fragile and small against the pounding rain of the storm.  It battered her frail form and muddied the tattered edges of her dress.  Where are You?

Slowly, the rain lulled until it came to a complete stop, leaving a damp and muddy ground in its wake.  Are You here?  The girl's knees shook as she struggled to her feet.  I need You.  She lifted her arms to the sky and clenched her small fists.  The rain was gone, but she knew she wasn't alone.  She could feel Him.  She quaked with fear and shame.  Did He still love her?  Could He ever forgive the things she had done?  Oh, what she would have given to feel loved again, to hear the warmth of His voice whispering into her heart.

The little girl's voice was hoarse, nearly gone, but she screamed all the more.

I NEED YOU!

With a flash of light brighter than anything the little girl had ever seen before, the clouds disappeared altogether.  The girl tumbled to the ground, covering her eyes with trembling hands.  I'm so broken.  So ugly.  I've ruined everything and I'm sorry...

I still love you.

The words burned through the girl's heart like a hot iron, leaving her winded and gasping for breath.

I've never left you.  You've always been My child.  Will you come home?

The girl was too overcome to speak.  She squeezed her eyes shut and stretched her hands up to the sky, to the light, to the warmth of the love that seemed to radiate all around her.  But I'm undeserving.

You're forgiven.  You're loved.  You're Mine.

When the girl opened her eyes again, everything was quiet.  The light was still blindingly bright, but it no longer hurt her eyes.  The girl stood up slowly, hardly able to take in the beauty of the earth around her.  She was standing in a garden, surrounded by green grass and brightly-colored flowers and a gurgling brook filled with clear, beckoning water.

A garden restored by rain.

I'm so ugly compared to all of this.  He can give me a beautiful garden, but I'm still broken.  Still worthless.  A tear trickled down the little girl's cheek, but a flash of white caught her eye.  Pure white. 

Her dress.  The little girl's dress was white as snow, just like it used to be.

The girl gasped, spinning around and watching the white folds of her dress catch in the sunlight.  As she twirled, a voice murmured lovingly into her heart, My child, I can make anything whole again.  You're no longer a broken, tattered doll.  In My eyes, you're beautiful.  You're My precious little girl.

No longer broken and ugly, but precious and transformed.  Brand new, just like the garden.  The little girl lifted her hands into the air and smiled up at the sky.

I'm Yours. 

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about Christian t-shirts.

When you wear a Christian t-shirt, in a way, you could compare yourself to a Muslim woman wearing a hijab.  You are basically telling everyone around you, "I am a follower of Jesus Christ."  From the moment you step outside while wearing a Christian t-shirt, everyone who sees you will know Who you follow.  And every move you make from that point forward will cause an impression to be made -of you, yes- but also of Jesus.

Scary, isn't it?

People make judgments based on appearance.  If you wear a Christian t-shirt in public and act like a jerk, then people will inevitably look at you and think, "That's a Christian?  Man, I can't stand those people."  And in the back of their minds, a little voice will say, "If that's how the followers of God act... then that's how God must be too."

When you're wearing a shirt that displays your faith for all to see, everything you do and say is a witness to the people around you.  People are constantly judging Christ through you.

That's easy, you might be thinking.  I hardly ever cuss or steal or lie.  I don't get drunk in seedy bars and beat up the people around me.  I don't sell drugs.  I'm a pretty good person.  No big deal.  But the "big stuff" isn't all you should be worried about.

Small things -like smiling- are vitally important.  If you brush past a stranger and he's left thinking, "Christians are snobs," then that's a problem.  Smile.  Act friendly to those around you, even if you're having a bad day.  If you're seen openly complaining and making negative comments and someone thinks, "I didn't know Christians acted like this," that's a problem.  Think before you speak.  If you're seen griping at your parents over the phone or gossiping about a friend... that's a problem. 

Everything you do will be scrutinized because people think, "I wonder what Christians are like" and then look at you.  1 Timothy 4:16 warns us to be conscientious of how we live because we are being observed.  People see Christ in us, no matter if we're acting like one of His disciples or not.

1 Corinthians 10:32 says, "Do not cause anyone to stumble."  How would you feel if you found out that someone turned away from God because they saw your actions and thought, "I was interested in God... but I sure don't want to be like that."  I've made the mistake of being a poor example for Christ.  Many times.  It's difficult to be a shining light all the time, but that is what we should strive to be.  Matthew 5:14 calls us to be cities on a hill.  People look to you when they want to see Christ.

Do I still think wearing Christian t-shirts is a good thing?  Absolutely.  Will I continue to wear them all the time?  You bet I will.  From this point forward, will I stop and think before I say or do something that might cause others to stumble?  Yes.

I know I've been called to be a city on a hill.  I know people judge my Savior based on my actions and words.  And from now on, I will strive to be a positive example for Him wherever I go.

Will you? 

My best friend Ali and I decided to test the level of prejudice that exists in my small Texan city by dressing Ali up in a black hijab and visiting public places.  We chose to visit a Christian bookstore first because Ali and I are both Christians, and we wanted to see how fellow believers would treat someone of an opposite religion.  We decided to visit Lifeway Christian Store. 

To be honest, Ali and I weren't quite sure how the store clerks would respond.  Would they ask Ali questions?  Would they counsel her?  Would they be eager to show her around the store as an opportunity to be a witness?  We were fairly certain that the workers at the Christian bookstore would hold very little prejudice... I mean, the Bible teaches us to love everyone.  Why would there be prejudice in a store that sells Bibles?

For this experiment, Ali and I went together as friends, bumping shoulders and holding arms and talking quietly amongst ourselves like teenage friends would.  I wore a Christian t-shirt that said "Jesus Saves" boldly across the front.  Ali wore her black hijab. 

When we first entered the Christian bookstore, smiling and acting as friendly and approachable as possible, no one approached us.  No one greeted us from the front desk, as is customary for stores like Lifeway.  No one asked us if we needed any help.  Ali received a few discreet stares from customers, which we expected.  After all, a Muslim girl walking into a Christian bookstore is a strange occurrence.  The looks weren't glares.  However, we received no smiles and no greetings from anyone at all.

As we entered the store, a young female worker walked in front of us.  We both lifted our heads and smiled at her, and I said, "Hi," but she nodded quickly at me and didn't even look at Ali once.  It was like the young woman was afraid to acknowledge Ali or even offer her a smile, for fear of how Ali would respond. 

Ali and I meandered about the store for a little while, browsing through books for about six or seven minutes before a man finally walked up to us and asked me if we needed any assistance.  "Do you sell the Quest Study Bible?" I asked, quickly thinking of an opportunity to interact with a stranger.  The man nodded and led us to the Bible aisle, never once giving Ali a word or even a glance.  He completely ignored her.  He told me a little bit about the Bibles available and then walked away. 

Ali and I were stunned.

You'd think that a Muslim girl walking into a Christian bookstore would be considered an excellent opportunity for Christians to witness or at least to act as positive examples for Jesus Christ, but absolutely no one would look at her.  She was completely ignored.

Later, when I asked Ali if anyone acknowledged her whatsoever, she replied, "There was one lady. She wasn't a worker- she was just a customer- and she actually smiled at me.  We were in there for about thirty [or] forty minutes, and she was the only person that smiled at me.  Isn't that sad?  That's sad." 

After a few more minutes of skimming through the Bibles, I left Ali alone in that aisle and walked up to the front desk.  I asked if they carried "The Way of the Master" by Ray Comfort.  One of the female cashiers asked, "What's that about?"  The same man who had directed me to the Bibles earlier said, "It's an evangelical tool."  The look on the woman's face was priceless when she blurted, "Ohhhhhhhhh...." as if everything made more sense after that. 

I finally decided to purchase "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan, and Ali went to the front desk with me, standing quietly at my side as I purchased the book.  "Do you need anything else?" the male cashier asked, looking only at me. 

"No thank you," I replied.  The man said nothing else.

As Ali and I left the bookstore, still no one dared to look her in the eye or speak to her even once.

We piled into my car in stunned silence, shocked at the strange response we'd received from the workers at the bookstore.  Ali wasn't given dirty looks, but no one smiled at her.  I was treated kindly with smiles and words, but everyone seemed intimidated by Ali's presence, like she was an alien from a foreign planet that might bite if someone dared to speak to her.

"[This] was very weird," Ali said after being asked about the experience. "People would avoid me, and whenever we talked to them- or whenever Emily [talked to them]- they just kind of talked to her.  Even though I was standing right beside her, they didn't really look at me.  It was just really strange; almost kind of disappointing because Lifeway's actually one of my favorite stores.  I thought they would have been more of a shining light for a Muslim girl like me."

"What was your overall impression of this experience?"

"[I'm] kind of disappointed," Ali replied, shrugging her shoulders sadly.  "And actually, to be completely honest, I think my reaction would probably be about the same.  I would be scared to talk to someone, you know, just because I don't want to offend them.  Maybe they just don't know [where] to draw the line.  But this is something that I will definitely use."

It's true.  Perhaps people avoid Muslim women entirely out of fear of seeming offensive or acting like they're staring, but feeling ignored can feel just as awful as feeling stared at, as Ali experienced while at Lifeway.  She told me, shaking her head with wonder, "When that lady smiled [at me], I just felt like a regular person, which is really weird.  I think we just need to acknowledge different people more."

While I'm glad that Ali received no dirty looks while in Lifeway, I'm disappointed that she received only one smile from a customer, no greetings, and no kind words.  Jesus was an example to Christians when He spoke kindly to the Samaritan woman at the well in John 4.  Jesus was a Jew, and Jews and Samaritans were total enemies, a lot like some Muslims and Christians are today.  However, Jesus was kind to the Samaritan woman.  He spoke to her and treated her with love and mercy, despite their differences.  We should use Jesus's actions as an example of how to treat those who are different and who believe different things than we do.

The biggest lesson I learned while visiting the Christian bookstore was that while I shouldn't openly stare at people who are dressed differently than I am, I need to be sure to smile at them and show kindness.  There's no better way to be an example for Christ than to act like a loving and kind friend to anyone and everyone.  I'll be sure to deliberately smile at everyone- including Muslims- from now on.

Tune in on January 13 to see what happened when we visited the mall.