31. Have you ever seen a person NOT notice a walking skeleton? - You have a good point here.  I suppose that if all you want is attention, even if it is negative, you could become a walking skeleton and everyone will stare at you.  If you want looks of repulsion, disgust, astonishment, and horror, go for it.  You'll become walking death.  A walking skeleton. 

32. Nothing tastes as good as thin feels. - To be honest, I'd rather look healthy and be able to enjoy yummy foods now and then.  Eating sweets in moderation is okay.  Have you seen the food pyramid? 

33. Is food more important than happiness in life? Your appearance to others? - Let me turn this around on you.  Is your appearance to others more important than happiness in life?  Why should your appearance decide your happiness?  What if you were in an accident and your face was burnt past recognition?  What if you lost a leg?  Does that mean you can't be happy?

34. Eating is conforming. - Eating is surviving. 

35. When you start to get dizzy and weak, you're almost there. - You're almost where?  In a coffin?  You've just contradicted most of what you've said in previous numbers on this list.  You want to be a ballerina... you want to run fast... if you're dizzy and weak, you can't do any of those things!  You'll be stuck in a hospital bed with a heart monitor. 

Check back on Thursday for my final installment of 40 Reasons to Eat.

26. Starve off the parts you don't need. They're ugly and drag you down. - I don't quite understand this.  What parts don't you need?  Your muscles?  Your heart?  You know the first thing that you'll lose when you start to starve off your "parts"?  You'll lose your boobs.  And most girls want those.

27. Nothing can't be fixed with hunger and weightlessness. - Let's see.  Nothing can't be fixed, eh?  What about AIDS?  Did you know that you can't treat AIDS with ARV unless the recipient is on a healthy diet?  If they're malnourished, the treatment doesn't work.  What about world hunger where thousands of children die each day?  What about homelessness?  What about corrupt governments?  What about eating disorders?

28. Saying 'No, thanks' to food is saying 'Yes, please' to THIN! - Not necessarily.  Please refer back to number one on this long list.  Now this could work if you replaced some of the words and made it: "Saying 'No, thanks' to unhealthy, fatty, junk foods and replacing them with healthy foods and plenty of nutrients while being sure to put in an hour of exercise each day is saying 'Yes, please' to a THIN and HEALTHY body!"  I'm sure that's what you meant to say... you just didn't want a run-on sentence. :)

29. Fat people are so huge, people see through them and it's like they don't exist. - Oh no... believe me.  You can't see through a fat person.  Haven't you ever been to that party or family reunion when your extremely obese uncle or aunt or grandparent comes in and starts singing really loudly?  Believe me, it's impossible to ignore them.  But all joking aside, you shouldn't look at the outside appearance so much.  You're judging overweight people.  You can have overweight friends.  They exist just like you do.

30. The only time people notice a fat person is when they get in the way of that beautiful thin girl walking by. (I know that one sounds horrible.) (Oh well.) - I love how you finally start to feel guilty.  Finally.  After everything cruel and stereotypical you've said before in this list... you feel a little guilty at number thirty.  And then put it aside with a little, "Oh well."  I don't really want to honor this argument with much of a response because it isn't true.  I've got some friends who are bigger than others.  They're way nicer than a lot of the skinny people I know.  I don't notice my friends because of the way they look.  I notice them because of their personalities and their hearts.  When you talk (or in this case, write) in the way that you've been writing, it makes you have not-so-much of a nice heart.  Your words hurt people.  That's what makes people want to ignore you.  That's what makes people feel bad about themselves.  That's what causes low self esteem and eating disorders.

Check in on Tuesday for the next installment of 40 Reasons to Eat. 

21. Do you want people to say, 'For ____ sake get off me, you're crushing me; I can't breathe!' or 'You are soo light.'? - I actually can't bring myself to say much about this, other than, "What on earth are you doing on top of someone in the first place?"

22. Underweight, a.k.a. perfect body. - According to who?  Barbie?  Being emaciated is not healthy, so it's not a perfect body. 

23. Ballerina? Or beanbag? - This made me laugh a little.  Your reasons not to eat are getting weaker, so I'm not having to actually provide much of an argument to make them look silly.  Let's see.  No matter what you look like, you aren't going to be a beanbag... because a beanbag is an inanimate, cloth object with little white beans inside.  No matter how much you eat, you can't be a beanbag.  You can only be a ballerina if you take years and years of classes and practice and teaching.  And being a ballerina takes strength and muscle.  If you are underweight or malnourished, you cannot be a ballerina.  You won't be strong enough. 

24. I want to be light enough so a helium balloon could lift me and carry me to the clouds...like in my reoccurring dream; I love that dream. - That is impossible.  You would have to be less than a pound for that to ever happen.  A seven pound newborn baby can't be carried by a helium balloon.  A little chihuahua dog can't be carried by a balloon.  A candy bar can't be carried by a balloon.  Once a teacher of mine gave everyone in my classroom a helium balloon.  They were each weighted down with a tiny DumDum sucker.

25. I want to walk in the snow and leave no footprints. - Again, even a tiny four ounce bird will walk through the snow and leave footprints.  This is impossible unless you are some sort of ghost.  So you will be dead.  Not good.

Check in on Sunday for the next installment of 40 Reasons to Eat.  

16. Only fat people are attracted to fat people. Do you want pigs to like you because you are one of them? - Wow, this writer is starting to become kind of rude.  Incredibly rude, actually.  Something this rude doesn't even deserve a clever retort.  I guess I'll just give you a picture instead. 

17. Anyone can have 'inner beauty,' but few can earn real beauty, inside as well as out. - This is warped.  This is the opposite of what little girls are taught.  Personally, I know very few girls who have achieved inner beauty.  Not just anyone can have it.  When you have true inner beauty, it literally shines through your smile and makes you beautiful, no matter how much you weigh.  On the other hand, can you think of that really pretty girl at your high school who has a gorgeous face and body... but is the biggest jerk in the world?  Now imagine a friend of yours or someone you admire who is sweet and kind and very pretty.  Which of those would you rather be compared to?

18. You'll be able to move as quietly and skillfully as a spider. - There's your inspiration, girls.  Lose weight and you'll look like a spider.  What a cute little guy. (I'm one of those people who fear spiders more than death.  And you want to be like this?!)

19. Only thin people are graceful. - I wish I could find this video, but I was watching the dance show, So You Think You Can Dance, one day during an episode of auditions.  A dancer who was overweight came and danced beautifully.  She made everyone cry.  She was very graceful. 

20. If you slap a fat person, you can see a shockwave ripple over their skin. That's disgusting. - You would have to be pretty fat for that to actually happen.  But honestly, are you planning to be slapped any time soon?  Is getting slapped something you look forward to?  Maybe if you had a little bit of fat, people would refrain from slapping you.  Yikes.

Stay tuned for Friday to read the next installment of 40 Reasons to Eat. 

11. Bones are clean and pure. Fat is dirty and hangs on your bones like a parasite. - Having a lot of fat is kind of gross, I'll admit.  But you are leaving out two key things in your body.  One, blood.  Two, muscle.  Right now, your bones are not "clean"- they are covered in blood.  I would show you a picture, but that would repulse you and me both.  But what about muscle?  If you're only showing "clean and pure" bones, that means you won't be fit.  That means you won't be strong.  That means you won't have muscle.  And a little fat is not bad at all.  According to the American Dietetic Association, women should actually have 20-25% body fat to be healthy.

12. If you eat, you'll look like those disgusting, fat, ghetto and trailer-trash hookers on Jerry Springer. - Yikes.  That's a bit extreme, isn't it?  I mean, I eat.  Three meals a day and plenty of snacks in between.  I'll show you a picture of me to your right.  Do I look like one of those disgusting, fat, ghetto and trailer-trash hookers on Jerry Springer?  I sure hope not.  Another thing... I don't see how eating could make you trailer-trash, because in order to even qualify for that cruel stereotype, wouldn't you have to live in a trailer-home?  That has nothing to do with eating.  And I don't think being a hooker has anything to do with food either.  Same with being ghetto.  What does any of that have to do with food?

13. The models that everyone claim are beautiful, the spitting image of perfection, are any of them fat? ...NO... - I've never really considered models to be very beautiful.  I don't think they're even really meant to look beautiful.  In order to become a runway model, you must have fairly plain features, be able to look severe and serious, pull your hair back tightly away from your face, and all because attention is not supposed to be on your gorgeous face and body, but on the clothes you're wearing... really, models are a bunch of walking coat racks.  The world does put a false sense of "beauty" on girls who have "model-thin" figures and that is wrong.  But also think about how much the media praises girls like Gabourey Sidibe and Jordin Sparks, girls who are comfortable with their own weight?

14. Too many people in America are obese. - That's very true.  But there's actually a good thick line between obese and malnourished.  You want to be on that line... right at a healthy weight.  Talk to your doctor to find out what your ideal weight is.  Don't think he's full of it... he's been to school for years and years to learn this stuff.  He knows what he's talking about.

15. People who eat are selfish and unrealistic. - Harsh!  This hurts my feelings.  I guess that means I'm selfish and unrealistic.  First of all, how am I selfish?  I'm eating and not wasting food that I've been blessed with.  Secondly, I wish I could talk to this writer in person.  I don't understand how I'm the one being unrealistic.  Not eating is unrealistic.  Thinking you can survive without food is unrealistic.

Check in on Wednesday to read my next installment of 40 Reasons to Eat. 

To read the reasons behind why I'm writing this, please refer to my article called Thinspiration.

6. People will remember you as the 'beautiful thin one.' - I know some people who are naturally very thin and they constantly struggle to gain weight because they don't want to be remembered as the 'thin one.'  When you look like a stick, people do notice you... but it's often not with attraction.  Do you really want people to speak of you as, "Oh my gosh, do you see that girl?  She's like a bony twig.  Ew."  People think curves are attractive.  Hour glass figures.  Boobs and behinds (pardon my bluntness) are what guys like.  Not just bones and skin. 

7. If someone has to describe you, they'll say, 'oh, she weighs like 100, 110 lbs.' - I don't think I've ever described someone by trying to guess their weight.  I don't know any normal person who is like, "You don't know Jane?  I think she weighs 100, 110 pounds..."  "Ohhh, I remember her now!"  No, are you kidding?  People describe people like this: "You don't know Jane?  She has light brown hair, glasses, and she's kind of short.  She has a lot of freckles."  The only time someone would even mention your weight while describing you would be if you were noticeably scrawny or obese... but I still doubt they would say you were "like 100, 110 pounds."  They would say, "You don't know Jane?  She has light brown hair, glasses, and she's really, really, really skinny.  Like a stick."

8. Guys will want to get to know you, not laugh at you and walk away. - Answer this: do you really want to date a guy who would laugh at you if he considered you "fat" or "ugly"?  Is that really your dream guy?  Personally, my dream guy is someone who will look at me when my hair is a mess, I've gained a few pounds, I'm wearing sweats and no makeup, and still say with complete honesty, "Wow, you're beautiful today," because he loves me for me.  That's the guy I want.  But if you want that jerk who only cares about you if you look stick-thin, you can have him.  Nobody else will. 

9. Starving is an example of excellent will power. - No it isn't.  Starving yourself is an example of reaching desperately for power over something because you can't find it anywhere else.  In other words, oftentimes because of a difficult situation beyond her control, a girl struggling with an eating disorder feels the need to control something, so she controls the weight of her own body.  Excellent will power would be abstaining from a 2,000 calorie chocolate cake and eating a healthy sandwich instead.  Excellent will power would be getting up every morning to go on an hour-long jog.  Excellent will power would be overcoming an eating disorder and living to tell the story.

10. You will be able to see your beautiful, beautiful bones. - I won't even bother to write a paragraph about this.  Just tell me one thing.  Which body type does most people consider beautiful?  The fit and healthy woman who is slender and fit, but has a few curves... or the woman who is obviously struggling with an eating disorder?  Which attracts you the most?
 

To read the reasons behind why I'm writing this, please read my article called Thinspiration.

1. You will be FAT if you eat today. Just put it off one more day. - (The following response is written assuming that you will eat tomorrow... since you are only putting off eating "one more day.") Why will you be fat if you eat TODAY rather than tomorrow?  Let's take a look at science.  If you postpone eating for a day, your body will actually go into survival mode... and the next time you eat, your metabolism will be much lower and your body will hold onto the fat and the calories that it would normally burn.  So technically, if you don't eat today, you're going to get fatter when you eat tomorrow.  If you eat around six small meals throughout the day each day, you will actually be causing your metabolism to speed up and you will burn more that way.  Don't believe me?  Here's an article for you to read. 

2. You don't NEED food. - This actually made me laugh out loud, even though this isn't funny.  You don't need food?  Seriously?  Wow, in that case, those 35,000+ people who die every day from malnutrition need someone to tell them this.  Don't believe me?  Here's another article.

3. Fat people can't fit everywhere. - This is very true.  But the only "fat" people who can't fit somewhere are those who are morbidly obese... as in hundreds and hundreds of pounds.  If you go to the doctor and he/she tells you that you are morbidly obese, then yes, I would recommend that you lose some weight.  In a healthy manner.  With a nice diet (not an eating disorder) and exercise, all monitored by a health expert. 

4. Guys will be able to pick you up without struggling. - Do you really want a guy to be able to pick you up without struggling?  Do you realize what this means?  You're walking down a dark, abandoned alley.  A man comes and picks you up and puts you into his car and rapes and kills you... without struggling.  Believe me, sister.  You want a guy to have to struggle a little.

5. You'll be able to run faster without all that extra weight holding you back. - In order to be able to run fast, you need to have muscle.  If you don't eat, you will lose that muscle.  That means that you will not be able to run fast.  Also, lack of nutrition will make you feel dizzy and weak, so you really won't be able to run fast.  And finally, muscle weighs more than fat... so there will be weight on you when you run. 

Okay, that's it for today!  Check back on Saturday for five more reasons why you should eat. 
 

The other day I came across a website that was supposed to be an encouragement for girls who are anorexic... but not an encouragement to help them turn their lives back towards normalcy.  No, this was a website that was pro-ana, or pro-anorexic... meaning that it offered support and encouragement for girls who wished to continue their anorexia.

This kind of thing honestly makes me a little angry.  I've seen kids both in my city and across the world who are malnourished and who do not have enough to eat.  They are starving and dying against their wills.  They want food.  And then I see girls who have food... and they refuse to eat it. 

If you have or have struggled with an eating disorder, please don't think I dislike you or misunderstand you or am angry at you.  I do realize that this is a disorder that stems from issues of emotional and mental health.  I empathize with girls who struggle with eating disorders.  I understand that this is something difficult to control and to overcome, and it is not something that many girls plan or want to have. 

It's not the struggling girl who makes me angry- it's websites like these that hurt girls that upsets me so much. 

I came across a list on this pro-ana website that literally made me feel sick.  It was called 40 Reasons Not to Eat and it gave forty "legitimate" reasons to help encourage anorexic girls to not eat when they're tempted. 

How can this help anything?  It makes me want to cry.  It makes me want to scream. 

It makes me want to write my own solution... called 40 Reasons to Eat.

So every other day for the next few days, I'll be posting five of the reasons not to eat listed in this article... and five reasons of my own to contradict this list. 

If you're anorexic, perhaps this can help to encourage you in the right way.  If you have a loved one who is struggling with an eating disorder, perhaps this can help you see their morphed perspective and be able to encourage them to stay strong and withstand temptations to not eat. 

So keep on the look out.  The first five reasons to eat should be posted on Thursday. :)

If you have lost a friend or loved one to suicide, you've experienced the horrible feeling of your mind and heart twisting and pulling in so many different directions.  Why did she do this?  What made him make this decision?  Whose fault was it?  So many questions have entered your thoughts.  Questions that will always remain unanswered.

The truth is- and you've probably heard this before- but there is nothing you can do to change the past, so there is absolutely no use dwelling on the answers.  Suicide is such a shocking and hurtful thing, something that one can't understand unless they are put into that position.  You can't hope to be able to put yourself into the mind of your loved one before they made such a decision.  Most likely, you would regret knowing. 

When your loved one made the decision to end their own life, they were most likely in a place of great darkness and confusion.  Their death was inflicted by their own hand, which- as hard as it is to convince yourself- means that it ultimately was not your fault.  Even if other people's actions and harsh words played a part in bringing your loved one to their decision, they were still the one who made the decision to end their own life. 

In order to have healing and peace in your own life, you must accept that you can't change the past and that even though you can't understand, you can find peace in yourself and in Christ. 

Changing the Past
Obviously, this cannot be done.  While you can continuously look back and dwell on things that can't be changed, this will only keep you in a place of grief and mourning.  Instead of focusing on things that should have been changed- things that you should have noticed, seen, or done to prevent your loved one's death, try focusing on the good memories of the past.  Write down happy memories between you and your loved one, make a list of little things you loved about him or her, bring out the photos and cards... and when you're feeling angry and embittered, try to dwell on what is happy and peaceful rather than the painful memories.

Finding Peace
Peace is something often longed for after the death of a loved one, especially when the death is by suicide.  Romans 5:1 says that we have peace through our Lord Jesus Christ.  John 14:27 says, "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."  The death of a loved one is a painful and heartbreaking experience.  You may feel like your world has shattered to pieces all around you.  When you are hurting especially, do not be afraid to pray to God and ask Him for deliverance.  Even if you are feeling angry towards Him for allowing your loved one to die, He understands your weakness and your hurt and He wants to give you peace.

If a friend of yours is struggling through the suicide of a loved one, don't be afraid to reach out to them and show them your support.  Your friend needs you now more than ever.  Send an encouraging note every so often, acknowledging that you understand their struggle.  Offer a listening ear.  Call or text your friend ever so often, simply offering a gesture of love.

If you are considering ending your own life, then please understand the emotional damage this will do to your friends, family, and even those who played small parts in your life.  Those around you will struggle from guilt, pain, and bitterness- even those who you don't want to feel that way.  If you've been planning to end your own life, then please talk to a friend.  They want to help you.  They want to be there for you.  There is an alternative to suicide, and that is life. 
 

I grew up in a Christian home.  Some of my earliest memories are of Sunday School and AWANAS.  When I was younger, I thought that the faith of my parents could get me to heaven.  I didn't bother to believe for myself when my family could believe for me.  I accepted my parents' faith without question.

When I was eight years old, Twin Towers were attacked.  This tragedy shattered my young mind to pieces.  I was a little girl who did not understand why the same bad men who killed so many people in New York wouldn't come to my town in Texas and hurt me too.  I began to suffer from severe anxiety, depression, and panic attacks.  I wouldn't eat or drink without being forced.  I wouldn't go outside and play with my friends.  I couldn't bring myself to cross the street to get the mail in the good neighborhood where I lived.  I couldn't sleep at night.  My panic attacks would cause me to be nearly unable to breathe.  My heart would race in my chest, skipping like a rabbit.  One severe panic attack even sent me to the emergency room.  I was a little girl who suffered with big issues and my parents were at a loss of what to do.  My mom began getting up thirty minutes earlier than the rest of the family to pray that God would save me from my fears.

The day before my tenth birthday, I was reading a book called "Left Behind" by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins.  The book was about the rapture and everything involving that subject.  I began to think about what it would be like if Jesus came and took all of the Christians up to heaven and left everyone else behind.  I knew that I would be the only one out of most of my family and friends that would be left.  I would be alone.  This frightened me to the core.  I finally realized that I could not rely on my parents to believe in Jesus for me.  I had to shoulder my own faith and believe in the Lord because I knew it was true.

I got on my knees right where I was and told Jesus Christ that I was a sinner, I believed that He died on the cross for my sins, and I accepted Him as my Savior and as my God. 

Almost immediately, there was a change in my life.  I was transformed overnight.  The panic attacks went away.  I could sleep through the night without fear.  I was able to travel the world without my parents.  I could finally smile again.

I was around twelve years old when things began to change.  I've always felt a huge empathy for poverty and those in need.  I began to wonder, "If God really does love everyone, then why does He let so many kids starve to death every day?  He can't love us."  And I started to doubt.  Doubt, if not put in check, can easily spread like wildfire.  I soon began to dismiss God completely.  I openly denied to several of my friends that He even existed... and if He did, I thought that He surely must hate the world.

Depression and feelings of worthlessness hit me hard after I dismissed my faith.  I felt stupid, ugly, and unlovable.  I was more depressed than I had ever been before.  I began to cut myself... occasionally at first, but then it became a dangerous habit and an outlet for me to release my anger and sadness and pent up emotions that I would never let anyone else see.  I wanted to hurt.  I felt like I deserved the pain I caused myself. 

When I was thirteen, I attempted suicide and failed. 

My parents found out about my self injury and obviously panicked.  They were once again at a loss of what to do.  I was depressed, miserable, and I put a wall up against everyone around me. 

The summer before my freshman year of high school, I made a 'deal' with God.  I basically said,

"God, if You exist, then I want You to show me a sign.  Prove that You can work through me.  Prove that You exist.  If You don't, I'm going to kill myself (and make sure it works this time) before school starts in August.  If You give me reasonable proof that You can work in my life, then I'll give my life to You.  You can have it.  I can't control it any more." 

I thought that this was an easy way out of my problems... I could justify everything with God. 

That summer, my parents sent me to a nine day training program that teaches teens how to witness to kids.  I was mortified.  I didn't want to share my so-called faith in a God I hardly believed in.  I wasn't allowed to quit the program, so I simply shut down.  On the fourth day, they took me and some other teens out to the park to witness to random people.  I had to share my 'faith' with a nineteen year old girl.  I spoke in a fairly monotone voice, inwardly begging the girl to ignore my words.  The girl was quiet and shy but she accepted Christ that day, explaining that she had just graduated from high school and received a Bible for graduation.  She hadn't known what to do with it until I came along and explained to her what it all meant.

This crushed me.  I went home that night and cried because I realized that God had used me, even though I was fighting against Him with all of my might.  He still used me to further His kingdom. 

I went to Mexico City on a mission trip soon after.  I was able to see poverty, serve the needy, and witness to the lost through an interpreter.  I went to Angel Tree Camp and shared a cabin with several young girls whose parents were incarcerated.  Most of these girls had been abused and neglected throughout their lives and a few of them also accepted Christ.

By the end of the summer, I was able to lead more than thirty people to the Lord.  Me- a young, timid girl with wavering faith.  There was no denying that God had worked through me.  I had my end of the deal to keep.  My life was His.

I'm seventeen years old now, an upcoming senior in high school.  I have no doubt that God has worked in my life.  I'm still growing in Him every day.  There are still difficult times that I have to struggle through, but Jesus has held my hand through each trial.  Hard situations that would have broken my faith a few years ago now strengthen my relationship with the Lord.  I haven't cut in more than three years.  I'm not depressed.  I have a joy and a hope inside of me that is indescribable.  You can't know how it feels unless you have it for yourself. 

I want to allow Jesus to control my life now because He is so much wiser than I am.  Believe me, I've tried to run my life on my own.  It never works.  I am so glad I made the decision to stay alive.  I've been able to do and experience so many things that I never would have imagined three years ago.  I've gone to Africa, mentored young girls who have problems with self injury or depression, wrote music, made many friends, wrote a book, and I am now interning at an inner city mission that is focused on spreading the gospel (and giving food) to the needy in my community.

I've never been happier.  And it's not just happiness that I feel... it's joy. 

---

I put up a video where I share my testimony on my vlog channel on YouTube.  You can watch it here. 

What's your testimony?  How has God transformed your life?  Feel free to share your story in a comment below.  I'd love to hear it. 
 

Okay, if you're reading this, I'm going to assume that you're either struggling from the loss of a loved one to suicide or you're debating the thought of ending your own life.  Either way, I've written this for you.  I know where you're coming from.  Two years ago, I lost a friend to suicide.  One of the biggest barriers you have to overcome is blaming yourself.  The loss of a loved one is so difficult to go through.  I understand that.  I'm writing this to encourage you not to give up hope.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel.  It's possible to heal... maybe not forget, but it's possible to heal. 

After a loved one commits suicide, it is easy to begin searching for a cause or a reason for the death to have happened.  Many times, while searching for answers, you begin to blame yourself.  Tell me if any of these thoughts seem familiar:


If any of these thoughts echo your own, then you've been seeking blame in yourself after the death of a loved one.  In fact, as you read this, you may be thinking, "I know I'm blaming myself, because it's my fault."  I know how this feels.  I know what it's like to feel blame.  I know how difficult it is to stay strong and not despise yourself for not somehow stopping your friend or family member's death. 

Were you truly a bad friend?  One of your reasons for blame might be that you were not a good enough friend.  You didn't show your love well enough.  You didn't reach out enough.  You didn't provide a good enough reason for your loved one to not want to die.  Does this describe you?  If it does, I want you to start thinking about the good times you had with your lost friend.  Don't think about the last fight you had or about all the times you felt disappointed in each other.  I want you to think of the times when you laughed so hard, you both cried.  I want you to think of the deep talks you had, the moments you spent together, the last smile you shared.  That was you being a good friend.  Not a bad friend, not a disappointment, not a failure.  A good, loving friend. 

Did your loved one consider you a friend?  Did he or she care about you?  "Obviously not enough," you may want to tell me. "She still did it."  I realize that, but I also want you to realize something: your friend was not thinking correctly at her time of death.  He or she was not feeling rational enough to view life as something valuable.  He or she wasn't thinking about the consequences that you would face.  He or she was only looking for a way out of his or her pain.  What your friend did wasn't because you were a lousy friend, even if you feel that way now. 

Try to continue to remind yourself about the good times you shared and about how many times you tried to be a true friend.  If you nitpick until you find all of your failures as a friend, you're going to find them.  Nobody is a perfect friend.  You're going to disappoint yourself.  However, think about how many times you've "failed" all of your other friends and loved ones.  Have they committed suicide as a result of that?  No, of course not.  It's not your fault.  Honestly, even if you were the worst friend in the world, it's not your fault.        

Whose decision was it?  This is one of the easiest and one of the hardest things to accept.  Did you put the gun to your friend's head or force the pills down her throat?  Did you take your friend captive and force him to kill himself?  "Well, practically," you might say, but that doesn't cut it.  No.  Suicide cannot be your fault because it will never be your decision unless you do it to yourself.  Your friend's death was not your fault.  You didn't murder your friend.  She did it to herself.  It's sad, it's painful... I know it's hard.  I realize that it's difficult to accept and I'm so sorry that you have to go through this at all.  I'm so sorry.  But you can never honestly and truthfully blame a friend's suicide on yourself when it was ultimately his or her decision. 
 
Stop searching for minute details.  Your blame process may be something like this: "I know it's my fault because two summers ago, we had this conversation about how we loved this one song and then it turns out that her parents hated that song and the night before she died, she was listening to that song out loud in front of her parents and they got into a huge fight about that song and then they got into a fight about how messy her bedroom was and she died the next day.  That's why it's my fault."  Your story may seem more rational than this to you... your story may be crazier than this... your story may be about the same.  But to make a long story short, stop searching for these tiny, minute details that could put you at fault in your own mind and link you to your friend's death in the most irrational, bizarre way.  No.  Don't let yourself go there.  Stop tormenting yourself.  It's natural to feel blame, but don't strive to put yourself at blame.  You don't need to be at fault.  You aren't at fault.
   
Missing the signs.  There are basic signs leading to suicide that you've probably heard somewhere before.  Recklessness, giving away possessions, speaking carelessly about death or lack of hope, writing a will, sleeplessness, sudden change of attitude for better or worse, loss of interest in usual activities and hobbies, social withdrawal, and loss of appetite.  Since your friend's death, you may look back and start to notice signs that weren't there before.  This may shame you, horrify you, and make you blame yourself for missing what now seems like the obvious.  First of all, it's too late to change these things.  Right now, you need to focus on you healing rather than dwelling on your guilt.  You weren't the only one that missed signs.  It's difficult to find signs of suicide in a friend when you aren't looking for them, and what kind of friend would you be if you were constantly badgering and probing your friend for signs of suicide?  Just because you overlooked a sign that may or may not have been there, that doesn't mean that your friend's death was your fault.   
  
Stop making your friend the hero in this situation.  You may look for blame in yourself because you don't want to blame your friend.  You loved your friend.  You don't want to make her sound like a terrible person.  You want to visualize her as a heroic, amazing person who helped everyone around her.  This is extremely difficult to accept, but your friend was not perfect.  Suicide was a mistake on your friend's part.  Don't give your friend a break and throw yourself under the bus because of something that your friend has done.  Remember your friend for the good memories and the good things about her, but don't give yourself blame because you don't want to blame her for anything.
      
Sadly, you can't change the past.  I know this is hard.  I know that it hurts to lose a loved one to suicide.  I know you want to look back and sort through every facial expression, every word, every conversation... but the past is the past.  You are the one who matters right now.  You are the one who needs to heal.  Torturing yourself by searching out blame in yourself is not going to help anything.  You need to focus on looking forward, forgiving yourself and your friend, and reminding yourself about the good memories rather than the painful ones. 

If you are considering suicide, I hope this helps you realize how truly painful your death will be for those around you.  You may be thinking that your death will put blame on those who have hurt you and made your life miserable.  But instead, your death is going to hurt those who love you and care about you- probably even more than it will hurt your enemies.  Close your eyes and think of two or three people who you care about the most.  These are the ones who I wrote to in this article.  These are the ones who will be tormenting themselves, blaming themselves, and hating themselves for what you will have done.  Do you realize what you are doing to those around you?  If you want to commit suicide, please talk to one of these people about your thoughts.  Please reconsider.  Your decision has the potential to crush the hearts of many, many people around you.  Please don't do this to your loved ones. 

Thank you for reading this article.  If you have any additions or comments about this article, then you can leave them in the comment box below.  I'd love to hear from you.

I'm sorry that you're reading this right now.  I'm sorry if you feel blame towards yourself.  Please continue to remind yourself that the death of your loved one was not your fault.  You are not at fault here.  The sooner it takes for you to realize this, the sooner you can heal. 

Check back next week for my article about coping the right way after the death of a loved one to suicide.       

Before I say anything, I would like to make it clear that I am not writing this to judge you, to look down on you, or to tell you that you're going to hell.  You don't need to feel defensive or offended before you read what I have to say... and I hope you don't feel that way after you finish reading.  You may not believe in God, but I do, and maybe this blog will help you see a little bit more where I am coming from as a Christian.  Will you hear me out? 

Christians and homosexuals have never seemed to get along.  I've seen pictures of 'Christians' holding up signs that say, "God hates fags."  They are so wrong and I'm sorry you've had to see that and be judged and put down like that.  I mean, where in the Bible does it say, "For God so loved the world... minus the gay people."?  Nowhere.  God doesn't hate you, no matter what you've been told.  When Christians hate you, they're making fools of themselves and their so-called religion.  They aren't expressing the love that the Jesus who they claim to worship expressed when He died on the cross for everyone, despite sexual orientation.  My God doesn't hate gay people.  My God doesn't hate you, no matter what you've done. 

Honestly, you and I have an equal chance of going to hell if we're going to base it only on our actions.  Homosexual or not, if you base your salvation on actions, you're going to hell.  Ouch... right?  It's not just you though.  It's me too.  If anyone on this green earth is a sinner, I am.  I have told lies, defiled my body, and used my words to hurt others.  I am a sinner.  The only difference salvation-wise between you and I (and I'm assuming here.  You can tell me if I'm wrong), is that I repented for my sins and accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior a few years back.  That's the only difference.  I still sin every day.  I try not to, but I do.  And I'm forgiven.  Don't be put off by my words here.  I'm not going to give the whole salvation plan right now.  You've probably heard it.  If not, then leave me a comment and I will talk to you for as long as you like.

Here could be a good place for me to quote a whole lot of Bible verses about how you're headed straight to hell with your gay lifestyle, but I'm not going to.  I'll go ahead and post the links to some Bible verses about homosexuality and you can read them for yourself, but I don't want to preach at you and put you down.  How do I have any right to do that?  I'm a sinner too.  I'd be a hypocrite if I judged you.  All I want to do is share with you what I know to be the truth and let you know about the sincere love that Jesus has for you.  Here are the verses that you can read for yourself about homosexuality: Leviticus 18:22, Leviticus 20:13, 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, Romans 1:26-28.

If I am going to tell you the truth about what I think about homosexuality, I'll have to say this: I do think it's wrong for a man to have sex with a man and for a woman to have sex with a woman.  The Bible- which I believe is faultless- says that it's wrong to commit homosexual acts.  But do you know what else the Bible says is wrong? Adultery.  What else? Fornication- sex outside of marriage.  What else? Lusting after someone in your heart.  These are all sexual sins and I know many Christians who struggle with each and every one of them. Basically, even as a Christian, people are going to have sexual temptations.  I know young teens who are sleeping around- sinning- and are being let into church.  I know men and women who are living together, unmarried- sinning- who are being let into church.  What I want to know is why very few churches are not allowing homosexuals- whose sin is no worse (and no better) than any of these others'- into church.

I'm not going to deny that I think homosexuality is wrong.  But I'm not going to push you away from me if you are homosexual.  I'm not going to think any less of you as a human being.  I'm still going to treat you with the same dignity and respect as I would any other sinner on the face of this earth.  I have no right to say you're going to hell just because you're gay.  All I can say is that if you have not accepted Jesus Christ to be your Savior and repented of your sins, then you might have something to worry about... but because you're a sinner in general, not singularly because you're gay.

Finally, I would like to apologize to you and to all homosexuals out there for the persecution that the Christian Church has put upon you.  It is sinful, unjust, and completely ungodly to look down upon you as a person for this sin.  We need to focus on loving people instead of focusing on what they do wrong.  We should make it clear that we think that homosexuality is wrong- and I think we have- and then love you anyways.  That's what Jesus Christ did.  He makes it clear that He hates all sin, but we keep on sinning and He keeps on loving us.  So I'm sorry for what you've endured because of us.

I'm not going to say that God says it's okay to be gay, because I don't believe that.  But I am going to say that I love you the same and I wish you the best.  I am not homophobic.  I am not disgusted by you.  I'm not afraid to be friends with a gay person, so long as he or she is clear about where I stand.  I'm not afraid to talk to you about what you believe and about what I believe.  And I love you... in a sisterly way.  Leave me a comment if you have something to say.  I don't mind.

Have an amazing day.
Love,
Emily  

        

Two years ago, I came home from a movie that I had been waiting to see for months.  I Am Legend.  I was fifteen years old and a freshman in high school.  As I burst through the door to my room, I turned on my computer, eager to discuss the movie with my friends.

As I pulled open my MySpace page, a public bulletin caught my eye.  It said, "Who knows about Gatlin?!?!?!  I need to know DETAILS!!!!!!!!!!"  Afraid that some false rumor had begun to spread like a wildfire, I messaged the kid back, asking what he was talking about, and ready to shut the rumor down immediately in defense of my friend.  Gatlin and I were good friends in middle school, and our friendship had continued into high school.  The kid's response to my message sent my heart crashing down to my feet.  "Well, if you haven't heard, he killed himself.  Sorry if you knew him!"

My heart pounded in my head.  My thoughts were spinning.  It couldn't be true.  I stumbled downstairs into my parents' bedroom.  I could hardly get the words out.  "Gatlin... killed himself."  And I collapsed onto their bed, crying with fear.  In a frenzy, my parents made a few calls and then sadly confirmed the news.  Gatlin had taken his own life a few hours before.

I spent that night in torment.  The only emotions I felt were horror, numbness, and shame.  I wasn't sure how, but I knew that this was somehow my fault.

---

You or someone you know may have gone through a similar situation.  The loss of a loved one to suicide is a difficult and painful experience.  When a friend or relative commits suicide, loved ones often search desperately for a cause behind the terrible action.  When no reason can be found, it is common to start searching out blame in yourself.

The act of suicide often seems incomprehensible... taking a life, albeit your own, is a horrifying thing. After Gatlin died, a million and one questions ran through my mind.  "Why did he finally give in?"  "What could have been bad enough to make him snap like that?"  "Why wasn't he thinking about the people who loved him?"  "Why wasn't I there for him when I was supposed to be his friend?"

One of the biggest questions in my heart filled me with torment.  As a Christian, I was afraid to ask this question... and afraid of the answer I might receive.  The question: "Where was God in this?"

My human mind could not understand how God would allow one of His children- a Christian- to pull a trigger and take his own life.  How was this God's will?  Where was His love?  How did this bring Him glory?  Anger and betrayal filled my heart, but I suppressed my feelings within myself, sure that I could never let God know how I truly felt.  

You may have lost a friend or relative to suicide or to an unfortunate tragedy.  You may be feeling similar emotions to the things that I felt as a grieving Christian.  Once a week for the next few weeks, I will be expanding on the issue of loss and how to heal from grief within your relationship with God.  

If you have a loved one who is suffering from the loss of a friend or family member, then this next blog series can help you know how to comfort them and find the right words to say.  Your friend needs you to be there for them and encourage them through this difficult time.

If you are considering suicide as an alternative for life, then I'm going to ask you to hold on for a few more weeks.  I'm pleading with you to hang on for just a little bit longer and listen to what I have to say.  I want to give you a glimpse into what it is like for the people who lose a loved one to suicide.  I want you to face how your action will affect those around you.  If you are contemplating suicide, then don't let yourself feel this way any longer.  There is hope.  Please search out help... find someone to talk to about what you are feeling.  Talk to someone you know and trust or go to www.suicidehotlines.com. 

If you have a personal story of healing (or helping a friend to heal) from the loss of a loved one, then comment below.

Controversy over the existence of hell has plagued people for centuries.  In fact, the belief about hell is often considered to be a strong dividing line between Christian denominations and cults.  Christian denominations believe in a hell.  Cults and non-Christian denominations believe that the lost simply stop existing after death- a belief that some call "soul sleep."  Which is true?  According to a survey by The Barna Group, only 31% of adults believe that hell is an existing location.  You may not believe in hell.  The thought of hell often seems contradictory to the loving and merciful nature of God.  A truly loving God wouldn't allow His children to burn in eternal torment... right?  I'm going to do my best to answer some of the questions that you may have about hell in this article. 

Hell is real, hell is a horrible place, and yet God is still a loving God. 

Why would God create hell?
God originally created hell as a place of eternal torment for Satan and His angels (Matt 25:41, Isaiah 14:12).  He created humans to be good.  We were made in His image.  We were meant to worship Him forever.  His plan was never for us to perish in hell (2 Peter 3:9).  God set down certain commands for His children to follow, starting with Adam and Eve in the garden.  When Adam and Eve- and all of humanity- broke God's laws, that meant that we as sinners could never dwell with a perfect God.  Because of this, just as an earthly judge must place a verdict on a violator of the law and send him to prison, God will have to judge each person for the sins that they have committed... and the judgment will be the same each time.  Guilty. 

Is hell eternal?
Many people believe that hell is not eternal, that the soul simply vanishes after death or it burns into disintegration.  The Bible makes it clear that hell is an eternal punishment.  When you sin against God, your punishment lasts forever.  Your soul will always exist, be it in heaven or hell.  Matthew 25:41 says, "Then He will say to those on His left, 'Depart from Me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and His angels."  In verse 46, Jesus says, "Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life."  In this passage, Jesus is talking to those who refused to help the needy in their distress.  If you take His Word to be the truth, then that means that unbelievers who don't give assistance to the poor will burn in an eternal fire that was first reserved for Satan and his angels.  Isaiah 66:24 says, "...their worm will not die, nor will their fire be quenched..."  Here, the Lord is talking about the punishment on Judgment Day for those who have rebelled against Him.  The thought that a tormenting worm won't die and a continuous fire will not be quenched is frightening, but it is also proof that hell is an eternal punishment and not something that only lasts for a short time.  Daniel 12:2 says, "Multitudes who sleep in the dust of the earth will awake: some to everlasting life, others to shame and everlasting contempt."  Again, the Bible uses the term "everlasting," meaning that hell is forever.  Revelation 20:10 says, and I quote, "...They will be tormented day and night forever and ever."  When you go to hell, your soul is doomed eternally.

Why would a loving God send His own creations to a horrible place like hell?
This is a question that is difficult to answer and to understand.  First of all, when God sent Jesus Christ to die on the cross for our sins, He gave us the option to choose life over death... to be forgiven for our sins and redeemed with the Lord so that we could go to heaven to be with Him after we die.  When we rebel against this gift, we choose hell for ourselves.  Imagine if God sent no one to hell.  Would heaven truly be heaven with people like Hitler and Stalin and Saddam Hussein wandering around?  No.  God is a just God.  He punishes the unrepentant wicked for their actions.  Atheist B.C. Johnson is quoted as saying, "The idea of hell is morally absurd."  On the contrary, it would be morally absurd to allow the wicked to go unpunished.  

Does God send babies and little kids to hell?
Remember that God is a just judge.  He is not going to do what is unjust.  Because of this, we can assume that He takes into consideration whether or not a baby is too young to understand the gospel.  In Matthew 19:14, Jesus has the children come to Him because "the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."  If the kingdom of heaven belongs to little children, then surely that means that little children go to heaven rather than hell.  Take a look at the story in 1 Samuel 3, when the Lord first reveals himself to young Samuel.  In verse 7, it is mentioned that, "Now Samuel did not yet know the Lord: The Word of the Lord had not yet been revealed to him."  This hints at the fact that Samuel had previously been too young to be able to understand what the Word was saying to him... it had not yet been revealed to him because of his youth.  In Nehemiah 8:2, Ezra reads a scroll to an assembly of "men, woman, and others who could understand."  Presumably, the ones who could not understand would be the young children and the mentally retarded, and if they were unable to understand the truth of God's Word, then they must have been exempt from the punishment until they could fully understand. 

What about the people who die without having ever heard about Jesus?  Do they go to hell?
This is a tricky subject because nobody can truly know for sure until we ask the Lord in person.  However, we can make educated guesses using the evidence that God lays before us with His Word.  Romans 1:20 says, "For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities- His eternal power and divine nature- have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse."  This implies that no person can be unexcused for not knowing God because proof of God is everywhere.  Psalm 19:1 says, "The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of His hands."  All of this is evidence of a Greater Being- of God.  In other words, nobody can have an excuse for not believing in the existence of a Higher Power.  There should be no doubt in anyone's mind that there is a God. 

But what about those who know that there is a God somewhere, but they do not know Christ because nobody has ever told them?  Romans 2:14-16 talks about this issue.  "(Indeed, when Gentiles, who do not have the law, do by nature things required by the law, they are a law for themselves, even though they do not have the law, since they show that the requirements of the law are written on their hearts, their consciences also bearing witness, and their thoughts now accusing, now even defending them.)  This will take place on the day when God will judge men's secrets through Jesus Christ, as my gospel declares."  This discusses how that Gentiles (people who aren't Jewish) don't know the law (ten commandments) given by God, but they still know what's right and wrong.  Look at the ancient cultures who lived without God.  There was still punishment for murder, lying, theft, and adultery.  You can find God's law in every civilization because it is written in our hearts, according to the Bible.  This is another reason why men are without excuse when they break God's laws.  Acts 17:27 talks about how God wants people to seek Him and reach out to Him so that they might find Him, because He isn't far from anyone.  This hints at the fact that God is available to anyone- even to those who haven't been told about Him.
  
The Lord knows that many people die without hearing about how Jesus Christ died for the sins of the world.  Romans 10:14-16 says, "'How, then, can they call on the One they have not believed in?  And how can they believe in the One of whom they have not heard?  And how can they hear without someone preaching to them?  And how can they preach unless they are sent?'... But not all the Israelites accepted the good news."  God realizes that people cannot call on Him if they haven't ever heard about Him.  He knows that they can't believe on someone whose Name has never entered their thoughts.  We must trust in the Lord and trust that He judges each person individually, based on their specific circumstances... and He takes each person's situation into account.

Where is hell?
The location of hell can only come from speculation, but it is a physical location.  It is more than a spiritual place.  The most common opinion is that hell actually exists within the center of the earth- a harrowing idea, but possibly the truth.  Look at Matthew 12:40.  "For as Jonah was three days and three nights in the belly of a huge fish, so the Son of Man will be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth."  Assuming that Jesus went to hell after He died on the cross and was temporarily forsaken by God, this is huge evidence that hell is located in the "heart" of the earth.  Ephesians 4:9 says, "(What does 'He ascended' mean except that He also descended into the lower, earthly regions?)"  The center of the earth would be a conceivable place for a "lake of burning fire."  Scientists have estimated the earth's core to be in the range of several thousand degrees, surely a suitable place for eternal torment, don't you think?  However, we can only guess about where hell is located.
    
What is hell like?
Trust me when I say that you don't want to go there.  Matthew 8:12 talks about hell being an outer darkness, where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth- two expressions of extreme anguish, pain, and grief.  Revelation 20:10 describes a lake of burning sulfur where its recipients will be tormented day and night forever and ever.  Hell is a place where an eternal fire is not quenched and a tormenting worm never dies, according to Isaiah 66:24.  Revelation 20:15 says, "If anyone's name was not found written in the book of life, he was thrown into the lake of fire."  There are many other verses that talk about lakes of fire, eternal punishment, and a place of shame and torment.  Hell is the worst place imaginable.   
   
Who could deserve a place like hell?
God is the Creator of everything and everyone.  He set down laws for us to follow.  Romans 3:23 says, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."  God had the right to set down His commands in the first place and He has the right to choose our punishment.  If we are judged by God's laws, then each one of us is guilty.  Hitler deserves to go to hell.  Jack the Ripper deserves to go to hell.  President Obama deserves to go to hell.  George Bush deserves to go to hell.  You deserve to go to hell.  I deserve to go to hell.  What is proof that God is a loving God?  The fact that He has given each person on earth a second chance and the ability to escape hell and go to heaven to be with Him forever- that is proof of a loving, merciful God.  All you have to do to receive eternal life in heaven is to repent from your sins and accept the gift that He has given you.   

I'm not trying to scare you into becoming a Christian.  I'm simply trying to warn you about the truth because I want no one to have to suffer the eternal torment of hell.  If you have not accepted Jesus Christ into your heart, then please think about what I've told you today.  According to God's Word, hell is a real place... and it's something to be concerned about.  Your salvation is a matter of eternal life or eternal punishment. 
  
Do you have any questions, opinions, or disagreements about today's article?  Please add your comments and inputs.  I'd love to know how you feel about this controversial topic.

Credit for the pictures used in this article go here, here, here, and here.  

The harsh edge of the blade flashed in the light that came in through the window.  Tori squeezed her eyes shut and clenched her teeth as she brought the razor down onto the open skin of her arm.  She felt numb and dirty.  Both old and new scars covered her body, from her thighs to her arms and even on the hidden area of her stomach.  Blood beaded on the thin lines made by the blade and Tori pushed the knife away, disgusted with herself.  She'd messed up... again. 

Every time Tori promised herself that she wouldn't cut anymore, something always happened that made her give in.  Someone would make a mean comment about her at school, she would get in a fight with her parents, she would simply look in the mirror and think, "I can't stand myself.  I deserve this."  And then she would be in that same dark place she so often was.  It was like she could not stop, no matter how badly she wanted to end this habit.

It was like an addiction. 

Tori had been a Christian for several years, ever since she responded to the alter call at summer camp when she was eleven.  At first, her passion for God only grew... but then life started to get hard.  Her parents got a divorce.  She lost a couple friends right before she entered high school.  Now Tori felt like God was far away.  She felt like when she prayed, her pleas were static and distant.  She wondered if God could even hear her.  She stared at her reflection in the bathroom mirror.  She felt ugly and unloved.  "Maybe I've messed it all up," she thought bitterly.  "I can't love myself.  Maybe God can't love me either."

---

The topic of self injury touches close to home.  For most of my middle school years, I struggled constantly with self injury.  I was depressed, I felt disconnected from God, and I expressed my hidden pain through the blade of a knife.  Self injury may be something that you or someone you know struggles with, and if that is the case, then I hope this article can help you find encouragement.   

One of the biggest problems with self injury, namely cutting, is that it is a compulsive behavior.  When you cut yourself, you're releasing pain endorphins into your body that give you a false sense of relief and even a high of sorts.  Each time something happens that makes you feel sad or upset, you feel the need to turn back to self injury to give you that same release of tension you felt before.  Cutting can easily become an unending cycle.  You want the temporary relief, so you cut... and then you feel guilty for allowing yourself to cut, and the guilt causes you to cut again... and around and around you go.  

Even if you have only been cutting for a few months, it can be extremely difficult to stop.  In fact, it may seem impossible.  Please know that it is possible to end this addiction.  I haven't cut for nearly three years.  It takes courage, strength, and faith in God, but it is possible.  If you are struggling with self injury or depression, please keep reading.  The next few points below can hopefully help you to discover a light at the end of the tunnel- a way out of an unending cycle.  

1.   No matter how you feel, you are loved.  When you're feeling depressed and alone, it's so easy to feel unloved.  The truth is, there are people who do love you, people who want to be there for you when you feel this way.  You have family members and friends who love you.  If no one else, then I love you, even though I don't know you personally.  I honestly do love you and I hurt for you.  Above all else, Jesus Christ loves you.  He loves you enough that He suffered and died for you.  He loves you no matter what you've ever done.   Deuteronomy 14:1,2 says, "Do not cut yourselves..., for you are a people holy to the Lord your God.  Out of all the peoples on the face of the earth, the Lord has chosen you to be His treasured possession."  Even though this verse was written for the people of Israel as a whole, it still applies to you as a Christian.  You are God's chosen possession... He doesn't want you to hurt.  He wants you to have peace and joy.  

2.   Even when you feel like God is far away, He has never left your side.  Guilt is often a huge issue for Christians who cut.  Aren't Christians supposed to be those on-fire believers who worship Jesus with every fabric of their lives?  They aren't supposed to be messed up people who have dark secrets that nobody knows about, right?  The perfect Christian is a complete myth.  Every Christian has problems, even if it doesn't seem like it from their outside appearance.  Everyone experiences trials throughout their lives.  You can still be a Christian and struggle with self injury.  It is an addiction that is hard to overcome.  Ask God to help you through this difficult time.  He is there for you.  He longs to hold you into His arms and take the pain away.  When you feel disconnected from God, continue to pray to Him, read your Bible, and go to church.  When you continue to worship God, even when He seems far away, you are expressing to Him that you still have faith in what He can do.  Hebrews 13:5 says, "God has said, 'Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.'"  Keep your faith in Jesus and know that He will never lose faith in you.

3.   Talk to somebody about what you're going through.  Proverbs 27:17 says that just like iron sharpens iron, one person sharpens another.  Find someone who cares about you and who can give you accountability and encourage you to work through your emotions constructively, instead of through self injury.  Ask your friend for guidance, prayer, and understanding.  You may even need to find professional help.  Talk to your youth group leader or a teacher at your school.  If you feel comfortable, approach your parents about what you've been going through.  An experienced adult can help you learn to sort through your problems and find hope.   

4.   Search for a new way to cope.  You may cut to help you release your pent up emotions, it may be a way to punish yourself for the bad things you have done, or it may be a way to control something in your life when everything else seems to be crumbling all around you.  No matter why you cut, you are handling your problems the wrong way.  Take up music lessons, start a journal, go to the gym an hour a day... find something that can start to replace this habit, something that you can turn to when you feel like you need to vent your anger and hurt.

5.   Learn to love yourself again.  When you feel hatred and disgust for yourself, it is difficult to honestly want to stop hurting your body.  Take out a sheet of paper and write a list of at least ten things about why you deserve more than cutting.  It could be "I'm a loyal friend" or "I am a beautiful creation of God."  When you feel the urge to cut, remind yourself over and over that you are loved and that Jesus has planned so much more for your life.

6.  Learn to forgive yourself.  You may relapse.  You may go months without cutting and then mess up again.  When you fall, it is easy to feel angry at yourself and want to give up.  Instead of punishing yourself for messing up, take it into perspective.  Make a calendar of how long you've gone without messing up and congratulate yourself for making it that far.  Cutting is a hard addiction to overcome.  The closer you come to healing shows how strong you are becoming.  Jesus forgives you for every sin and mistake, so learn to forgive yourself as well.

If you have a friend who is struggling with self injury, don't give up on her.  She needs your encouragement and support.  Don't constantly talk about her problem, but occasionally let her know that you're there for her and are ready to listen when she needs to vent.  Ask your friend if you can go talk to an adult together, but don't try to force the issue unless you believe that her life is in danger or else the stress could cause her to cut again.  Spend more time with your friend.  Let her know that you love her and want to be around her.  Leave her encouraging notes.  Compliment her.  Whatever you do, don't criticize your friend about her self injury.  Judgmental remarks are likely to cause her to cut even more.  Instead, let her know that you're concerned about her safety and want her to stop because you care about her. 

If you have suspicions that your friend is suicidal, then that is another issue entirely.  If your friend is suicidal, then please tell an adult and get your friend help.  Making a friend angry- maybe even angry enough to not forgive you- is worth it if it means saving her life. 

You may be struggling with self injury right now.  If you are, then don't give up.  Self injury is a difficult thing to overcome, but it is possible.  You are loved and cherished by God.  Put yourself into His hands.  Hope can be found through the Lord.  He has so much more in store for you than you can possibly imagine.   

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."          

Recently, for those of you who have not noticed, I seem to have come to a dry spell with my writing.  My stories, my songs, and even my blog entries have unfortunately become few and far between.  I've lost my inspiration over the past several weeks.  I need a new muse to reawaken that writer's fire that I'm used to feel burning deep within me.  Despite this frustration, I am confident that I will soon find that part of me that will give me the inspiration to pick up a pencil and write away into the night once again. 

I think that we as Christians sometimes go through these "dry spells" as well in our walks with the Lord.  Sometimes it may seem unusually difficult to force yourself to sit down and open your Bible or pray for more than a few minutes at a.  It can be easy to become so focused on our own busy lives and our own struggles and our own sorrows that we lose focus on our almighty, all-powerful, all-loving God. 

If you are going through a dry spell in your walk with God, I want to encourage you with the verse I have provided below. 

In this passage, King David was feeling lost and alone.  He was searching for God in a place that seemed to be void of strength and hope that comes with the Lord.  And when he was actually in a dry place- hiding in the desert from his enemies- he probably felt spiritually dry at that moment.

The world in which we live is sinful and filled with people who do not understand what we are going through as children of God.  We live in a dry and weary land.  As Christians, it can be incredibly difficult to get through a single day without feeling like our hope is fading away.  We search for God, we long for Him, but the anxiety and pain of the world continues to pull us further and further away from that goal.  And that makes it so much more difficult to stay strong in Him. 

The next three verses in Psalm 63 are impacting and thought-provoking.

I think this is beautiful.  Despite the fact that David was alone in the desert, both spiritually and physically, despite the fact that his enemies surrounded him, and I'm sure that he felt void of hope, he still trusted God.  He was struggling so hard to find the Lord in this difficult, difficult situation.  Despite all of that, he trusted God.  He had seen God's work before, and He knew that God wasn't going to leave him.  David said confidently, "I will praise You as long as I live." 

How amazing.

As Christians, we should strive to be like David.  No matter what trial we are going through in our own lives, let us strive to praise Christ for as long as we live, because truthfully, His love is better than life, and His security will overcome every struggle we have. 

Psalm 63:7 says, "Because You are my help, I sing in the shadow of Your wings."

Today I was home alone.  My family had all gone to run errands in town, and I stayed home to relax.  It was the weekend, after all.  The sun was shining outside.  The air was warm.  The blaring television and blinking computer screen did not satisfy my restlessness.  As I stepped outside and breathed in the crisp winter air, I decided to go on a bike ride.  Only very recently have I learned how to ride a bike, and since then, I've found myself wobbling down the streets of my neighborhood until my legs are too tired to pedal any further. 

In some ways, it is an easy escape from the confinement of my home.  I am free to look around at the rolling countryside and listen to the whispering grass and feel the gentle rays of the sun brush against my arms and face until I feel secure and content. 

Even though I live in a relatively flat city, the small area of my neighborhood is adorned with hills and cliffs and little canyons.  Today, I decided to ride up a particularly steep hill, something exciting to my meager, new-bike-rider skills.  As I tried to force my way up the hill on my little bike, straining against the wind and squinting through the harsh sunlight, I soon wanted to give up and turn back around.  The muscles in my legs were burning and tired, and my breathing felt labored.  I didn't want to struggle.  I wanted to feel relaxed, confident.  I wanted to go back to the smaller hills that I could easily overcome.  I hadn't thought that this would be so hard. 

Sometimes it does seem easier to just give up.  Something hard may be going on in your life, and you just want to say, "Forget it!  It doesn't matter.  I give up."  Even in our faith with the Lord, if something doesn't go our way, it can seem so much easier to just say, "God isn't showing Himself.  He obviously isn't here for me."  But that isn't what God intended for us. 

Imagine if the apostles and the early church decided that Christ wasn't worth it.  What if they chose to give up and stop following Him?  Their lives would have become so much easier.  Their persecutors would have left them alone.  And we would not know the truth about Christ today.  However, they realized that God was worth the struggle.  He was worth the pain and the persecution and the heart break. 

When you are enduring something difficult in your life, do not let yourself give up.  God has a plan for you, and it may take some struggles to get there.  I heard from someone that the depth of your valleys indicate the height of your mountains later on, meaning that the harder times that you face will become greater triumphs in the end.  Do not allow yourself to give up. 

Philippians 3:14 says, "I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."  Press on.  Your goal could be to overcome a battle in your life or to be an example to someone who you know is struggling.  Your goal could be to survive just one more day.  Just know that you can do it.  God will not allow you to handle any more than you can bear.  Keep strong.  You do not have to be overcome. 

When I reached the top of the hill, a slow smile stretched across my face.  I made it.  I tried to do something difficult, I struggled, and I made it.  I made it to the top.

And do you know what?  After the long ride up the hill, it took me mere minutes to come back down.  I glided easily on my bike, feeling completely at ease as the breeze brushed my face, and I was finally able to relax once again.  I felt exhilarated, peaceful.  It was all made worthwhile in the end. 

I'd made it.

(In case you were wondering, the pictures are from the day when I first learned how to ride a bike, and not necessarily the experience that I wrote about in this entry.)
 

Sometimes I lie awake at night and wonder how I'd change things if I could go back a few years.  I know it is useless to dwell on the past, but I often do wish that I could go back to when I was thirteen or fourteen years old.  I like to ponder how I'd be different, how I would change things if I knew what I know now.

Two years ago, a friend of mine named Gatlin committed suicide.  It feels weird to say that it's been two years.  It seems like a shorter amount of time that that.  Gatlin and I were friends for around three years before he died.  While we were friends, we would sometimes have casual conversations about suicide and death.  I was depressed.  He was depressed.  I thought that it was natural to talk about the the way you feel.  I never thought that he would actually fulfill his word- at least not before I did.  I never told a parent.  I never did anything about it.  When he actually died, we hadn't discussed things like that in months.  I was finally happy.

His death came as a horror and a shock to me.  I felt more guilt than I'd ever felt before in my life.  Why didn't I ever tell anyone?  Why didn't I question him more than I did?  Why did I naturally assume that if he didn't talk about wanting to die, then that meant he was happy too?  My thoughts plagued me more with each passing day. 

If I got the chance to go back three or four years, I would appreciate my friends so much more than I did back then.  I would treasure each moment with Gatlin, and I would also treasure moments with other friends that I lost: friends I lost because of silly fights and arguments that won't ever matter in the grand scheme of things. 

If I could go back, I wouldn't encourage the discussion of death and suicide.  I would talk about life and about Christ and about having a future. 

And most importantly, if I could go back, then I would tell somebody when Gatlin told me the things that he did.  I wouldn't let myself have a reason to blame myself for his death.  In fact, I would do everything I could possibly do to prevent it.  I don't know why I didn't act on his words.  I don't know why I didn't ask for help.  But I didn't, and it's too late to change that. 

If you have a friend that loosely mentions topics like suicide and depression, please don't trust that they're never going to act on their words, because they might.  They could do something that you will regret for the rest of your life.  Tell someone you can trust.  Go to www.suicidehotlines.com and ask someone there for counseling. 

And most of all, please treasure the relationships that you have.  Don't let yourself have reason for regrets.  Love your friends.  You may not have them with you forever.

If you could go back a few years, what would you change?  Would you change anything at all, or do you have no regrets? 
 

To be honest, I'm feeling pretty weary today...  It's the middle of January.  It's cold.  It's windy.  I'm going to school for eight hours at a time, working out at the gym after that, and then filling up the remainder of my day with various activities after that.  I'm tired!  My schedule is packed.  I've had some troubles recently that I didn't expect or want.  At the end of the day, all I want is to lie down and say, "I give up." 

I need to keep telling myself, "That's not His plan." 

Even when I am feeling apathetic and tired and worn out and frustrated, I need to remember that Jesus went through the same thing.  Think about when He was walking the earth, trying to express what He wanted to say to the disciples who never seemed to understand.  Think about when He stepped into the temple, only to find that it had been turned into a business instead of a place of worship.  Think about how weary and frustrated Jesus must have gotten while He lived on the earth. 

You may be feeling the same way that I am feeling today.  You may have something difficult going on in your life right now.  You may just be exhausted from a busy schedule or a stressful week.  Whatever is going on, you may feel like collapsing in a chair and closing your eyes for the next two months.

Believe it or not, that isn't His plan for us.  Jesus understands that we get tired.  He understands our daily frustrations.  He knows how it feels to live in a world that isn't easy.  He understands.

Matthew 11:28 says, "Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

When you are feeling tired of life, allow Jesus to envelop you into His arms and give you the rest that you need.  He will be our strength if we let Him.  He is our hiding place.  He is our green pastures and still waters, the place where we can flee when we can't go any further.

I don't think we realize this enough, but Jesus is there for us even on the days when we're just feeling apathetic and tired of life.  He wants to help us in everything, and all we have to do is come to Him.  He will give us the rest we need.  He does not fail His children.