Loss: The Initial Shock
Posted by | Filed under My Life, Series, Tough Stuff
Two years ago, I came home from a movie that I had been waiting to see for months. I Am Legend. I was fifteen years old and a freshman in high school. As I burst through the door to my room, I turned on my computer, eager to discuss the movie with my friends.
As I pulled open my MySpace page, a public bulletin caught my eye. It said, "Who knows about Gatlin?!?!?! I need to know DETAILS!!!!!!!!!!" Afraid that some false rumor had begun to spread like a wildfire, I messaged the kid back, asking what he was talking about, and ready to shut the rumor down immediately in defense of my friend. Gatlin and I were good friends in middle school, and our friendship had continued into high school. The kid's response to my message sent my heart crashing down to my feet. "Well, if you haven't heard, he killed himself. Sorry if you knew him!"
My heart pounded in my head. My thoughts were spinning. It couldn't be true. I stumbled downstairs into my parents' bedroom. I could hardly get the words out. "Gatlin... killed himself." And I collapsed onto their bed, crying with fear. In a frenzy, my parents made a few calls and then sadly confirmed the news. Gatlin had taken his own life a few hours before.
I spent that night in torment. The only emotions I felt were horror, numbness, and shame. I wasn't sure how, but I knew that this was somehow my fault.
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You or someone you know may have gone through a similar situation. The loss of a loved one to suicide is a difficult and painful experience. When a friend or relative commits suicide, loved ones often search desperately for a cause behind the terrible action. When no reason can be found, it is common to start searching out blame in yourself.
The act of suicide often seems incomprehensible... taking a life, albeit your own, is a horrifying thing. After Gatlin died, a million and one questions ran through my mind. "Why did he finally give in?" "What could have been bad enough to make him snap like that?" "Why wasn't he thinking about the people who loved him?" "Why wasn't I there for him when I was supposed to be his friend?"
One of the biggest questions in my heart filled me with torment. As a Christian, I was afraid to ask this question... and afraid of the answer I might receive. The question: "Where was God in this?"
My human mind could not understand how God would allow one of His children- a Christian- to pull a trigger and take his own life. How was this God's will? Where was His love? How did this bring Him glory? Anger and betrayal filled my heart, but I suppressed my feelings within myself, sure that I could never let God know how I truly felt.
You may have lost a friend or relative to suicide or to an unfortunate tragedy. You may be feeling similar emotions to the things that I felt as a grieving Christian. Once a week for the next few weeks, I will be expanding on the issue of loss and how to heal from grief within your relationship with God.
If you have a loved one who is suffering from the loss of a friend or family member, then this next blog series can help you know how to comfort them and find the right words to say. Your friend needs you to be there for them and encourage them through this difficult time.
If you are considering suicide as an alternative for life, then I'm going to ask you to hold on for a few more weeks. I'm pleading with you to hang on for just a little bit longer and listen to what I have to say. I want to give you a glimpse into what it is like for the people who lose a loved one to suicide. I want you to face how your action will affect those around you. If you are contemplating suicide, then don't let yourself feel this way any longer. There is hope. Please search out help... find someone to talk to about what you are feeling. Talk to someone you know and trust or go to www.suicidehotlines.com.
If you have a personal story of healing (or helping a friend to heal) from the loss of a loved one, then comment below.
Tags: death, death in family, death of a friend, friend, Gatlin Guthrie, grief, healing, heartbreak, loss of a friend to suicide, myspace, sorrow, suicide, suicide hotline
Aaron Kelly started off the night singing "Fly Me to the Moon." The song was a little too famous for Aaron's meek voice. Both his outfit and his performance were a little too old-fashioned. To me, the song seemed like Aaron was attempting broadway rather than current music that would sell to America. He was a little pitchy in some parts. Basically, Aaron was good- like always- but not great... like always. Kara challenged Aaron to attempt better charisma and stage presence, which i agree is necessary. Simon was the harshest out of the four judges. He said, "I adore Frank because Frank was the King of Cool... if he was a lion, you were just a mouse." However, he did admit that people like Aaron because he tries hard. I agree with both statements. Aaron is sturdy, but he is no American Idol.
Casey James sang the amazing "Blue Skies." I had big hopes for him after last week's performance, but I hate to say that he crushed my positive emotions after the first ten seconds. The song was pitchy and cheesy with the orchestra behind him. Casey has used a guitar for almost every single performance and he appeared extremely uncomfortable performing without one this week. He kept swinging his arms awkwardly instead of moving to the music. Randy sounded disappointed, saying, "It didn't work, baby. It didn't work," and Kara agreed, admitting, "You kind of sound like a lamb." Simon said that Casey seemed embarrassed, a great adjective to express Casey's awkward movements on stage last night.
Crystal Bowersox- "Summer Wind"- is probably the most talented performer left out of the American Idol group, but her performance just wasn't great. Her vocals were pretty, but not breathtaking, and the band sounded horrible with Crystal's style. It just didn't work. On a positive note, Crystal's hairstyle was pretty. Ellen thought it was impressive, but Simon disagreed, saying, "I'm not gonna lie and say it was one of your strongest performance." He warned Crystal that she's had two okay weeks and "if you survive next week, it's time to be in it to win it." I agree. Come on, Crystal. Don't give up now.
Michael Lynche sang "The Way You Look Tonight." He was probably the most comfortable with Frank Sinatra week. He sure dressed the part. His voice worked great with the song. I enjoyed his riffs. He's a naturally good performer and so the band complimented his natural style. Randy was pumped, shouting, "This is what it's about!" several times. Ellen called the performance "smooth" and added that it had a "lot of charisma." Even Simon enjoyed Big Mike's performance, saying, "The last three performances have been okay and now with you, that's all changed. You've put yourself back into the game." I liked the song, but I just can't connect with Michael.
Lee Dewyze, singing "That's Life," blew me away this week. I've never been a huge fan of his, but he mastered the bluesy, soulful swagger and actually had great stage presence this week. He easily maneuvered his way across the stage... and he even smiled. He almost looked comfortable, and the old-fashioned band didn't destroy his performance like it did the others'. In fact, I think that Lee's performance was the most modern and current out of anyone's. Ellen loved the performance, saying, "If tonight was the last night of performances, you would have just won the whole thing." Kara told Lee to go write "I can win this thing" 100 times because, "you can win this thing." Simon agreed with Ellen and said, "By far, I think for all of us, the highest performance of the night." Harry mauled Lee from the side of the stage, shouting, "Stop smiling!" No... I'd rather get used to Lee's rare smile. 
