Sometimes I lie awake at night and wonder how I'd change things if I could go back a few years.  I know it is useless to dwell on the past, but I often do wish that I could go back to when I was thirteen or fourteen years old.  I like to ponder how I'd be different, how I would change things if I knew what I know now.

Two years ago, a friend of mine named Gatlin committed suicide.  It feels weird to say that it's been two years.  It seems like a shorter amount of time that that.  Gatlin and I were friends for around three years before he died.  While we were friends, we would sometimes have casual conversations about suicide and death.  I was depressed.  He was depressed.  I thought that it was natural to talk about the the way you feel.  I never thought that he would actually fulfill his word- at least not before I did.  I never told a parent.  I never did anything about it.  When he actually died, we hadn't discussed things like that in months.  I was finally happy.

His death came as a horror and a shock to me.  I felt more guilt than I'd ever felt before in my life.  Why didn't I ever tell anyone?  Why didn't I question him more than I did?  Why did I naturally assume that if he didn't talk about wanting to die, then that meant he was happy too?  My thoughts plagued me more with each passing day. 

If I got the chance to go back three or four years, I would appreciate my friends so much more than I did back then.  I would treasure each moment with Gatlin, and I would also treasure moments with other friends that I lost: friends I lost because of silly fights and arguments that won't ever matter in the grand scheme of things. 

If I could go back, I wouldn't encourage the discussion of death and suicide.  I would talk about life and about Christ and about having a future. 

And most importantly, if I could go back, then I would tell somebody when Gatlin told me the things that he did.  I wouldn't let myself have a reason to blame myself for his death.  In fact, I would do everything I could possibly do to prevent it.  I don't know why I didn't act on his words.  I don't know why I didn't ask for help.  But I didn't, and it's too late to change that. 

If you have a friend that loosely mentions topics like suicide and depression, please don't trust that they're never going to act on their words, because they might.  They could do something that you will regret for the rest of your life.  Tell someone you can trust.  Go to www.suicidehotlines.com and ask someone there for counseling. 

And most of all, please treasure the relationships that you have.  Don't let yourself have reason for regrets.  Love your friends.  You may not have them with you forever.

If you could go back a few years, what would you change?  Would you change anything at all, or do you have no regrets? 

To be honest, I'm feeling pretty weary today...  It's the middle of January.  It's cold.  It's windy.  I'm going to school for eight hours at a time, working out at the gym after that, and then filling up the remainder of my day with various activities after that.  I'm tired!  My schedule is packed.  I've had some troubles recently that I didn't expect or want.  At the end of the day, all I want is to lie down and say, "I give up." 

I need to keep telling myself, "That's not His plan." 

Even when I am feeling apathetic and tired and worn out and frustrated, I need to remember that Jesus went through the same thing.  Think about when He was walking the earth, trying to express what He wanted to say to the disciples who never seemed to understand.  Think about when He stepped into the temple, only to find that it had been turned into a business instead of a place of worship.  Think about how weary and frustrated Jesus must have gotten while He lived on the earth. 

You may be feeling the same way that I am feeling today.  You may have something difficult going on in your life right now.  You may just be exhausted from a busy schedule or a stressful week.  Whatever is going on, you may feel like collapsing in a chair and closing your eyes for the next two months.

Believe it or not, that isn't His plan for us.  Jesus understands that we get tired.  He understands our daily frustrations.  He knows how it feels to live in a world that isn't easy.  He understands.

Matthew 11:28 says, "Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

When you are feeling tired of life, allow Jesus to envelop you into His arms and give you the rest that you need.  He will be our strength if we let Him.  He is our hiding place.  He is our green pastures and still waters, the place where we can flee when we can't go any further.

I don't think we realize this enough, but Jesus is there for us even on the days when we're just feeling apathetic and tired of life.  He wants to help us in everything, and all we have to do is come to Him.  He will give us the rest we need.  He does not fail His children.