Okay, if you're reading this, I'm going to assume that you're either struggling from the loss of a loved one to suicide or you're debating the thought of ending your own life.  Either way, I've written this for you.  I know where you're coming from.  Two years ago, I lost a friend to suicide.  One of the biggest barriers you have to overcome is blaming yourself.  The loss of a loved one is so difficult to go through.  I understand that.  I'm writing this to encourage you not to give up hope.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel.  It's possible to heal... maybe not forget, but it's possible to heal. 

After a loved one commits suicide, it is easy to begin searching for a cause or a reason for the death to have happened.  Many times, while searching for answers, you begin to blame yourself.  Tell me if any of these thoughts seem familiar:


If any of these thoughts echo your own, then you've been seeking blame in yourself after the death of a loved one.  In fact, as you read this, you may be thinking, "I know I'm blaming myself, because it's my fault."  I know how this feels.  I know what it's like to feel blame.  I know how difficult it is to stay strong and not despise yourself for not somehow stopping your friend or family member's death. 

Were you truly a bad friend?  One of your reasons for blame might be that you were not a good enough friend.  You didn't show your love well enough.  You didn't reach out enough.  You didn't provide a good enough reason for your loved one to not want to die.  Does this describe you?  If it does, I want you to start thinking about the good times you had with your lost friend.  Don't think about the last fight you had or about all the times you felt disappointed in each other.  I want you to think of the times when you laughed so hard, you both cried.  I want you to think of the deep talks you had, the moments you spent together, the last smile you shared.  That was you being a good friend.  Not a bad friend, not a disappointment, not a failure.  A good, loving friend. 

Did your loved one consider you a friend?  Did he or she care about you?  "Obviously not enough," you may want to tell me. "She still did it."  I realize that, but I also want you to realize something: your friend was not thinking correctly at her time of death.  He or she was not feeling rational enough to view life as something valuable.  He or she wasn't thinking about the consequences that you would face.  He or she was only looking for a way out of his or her pain.  What your friend did wasn't because you were a lousy friend, even if you feel that way now. 

Try to continue to remind yourself about the good times you shared and about how many times you tried to be a true friend.  If you nitpick until you find all of your failures as a friend, you're going to find them.  Nobody is a perfect friend.  You're going to disappoint yourself.  However, think about how many times you've "failed" all of your other friends and loved ones.  Have they committed suicide as a result of that?  No, of course not.  It's not your fault.  Honestly, even if you were the worst friend in the world, it's not your fault.        

Whose decision was it?  This is one of the easiest and one of the hardest things to accept.  Did you put the gun to your friend's head or force the pills down her throat?  Did you take your friend captive and force him to kill himself?  "Well, practically," you might say, but that doesn't cut it.  No.  Suicide cannot be your fault because it will never be your decision unless you do it to yourself.  Your friend's death was not your fault.  You didn't murder your friend.  She did it to herself.  It's sad, it's painful... I know it's hard.  I realize that it's difficult to accept and I'm so sorry that you have to go through this at all.  I'm so sorry.  But you can never honestly and truthfully blame a friend's suicide on yourself when it was ultimately his or her decision. 
 
Stop searching for minute details.  Your blame process may be something like this: "I know it's my fault because two summers ago, we had this conversation about how we loved this one song and then it turns out that her parents hated that song and the night before she died, she was listening to that song out loud in front of her parents and they got into a huge fight about that song and then they got into a fight about how messy her bedroom was and she died the next day.  That's why it's my fault."  Your story may seem more rational than this to you... your story may be crazier than this... your story may be about the same.  But to make a long story short, stop searching for these tiny, minute details that could put you at fault in your own mind and link you to your friend's death in the most irrational, bizarre way.  No.  Don't let yourself go there.  Stop tormenting yourself.  It's natural to feel blame, but don't strive to put yourself at blame.  You don't need to be at fault.  You aren't at fault.
   
Missing the signs.  There are basic signs leading to suicide that you've probably heard somewhere before.  Recklessness, giving away possessions, speaking carelessly about death or lack of hope, writing a will, sleeplessness, sudden change of attitude for better or worse, loss of interest in usual activities and hobbies, social withdrawal, and loss of appetite.  Since your friend's death, you may look back and start to notice signs that weren't there before.  This may shame you, horrify you, and make you blame yourself for missing what now seems like the obvious.  First of all, it's too late to change these things.  Right now, you need to focus on you healing rather than dwelling on your guilt.  You weren't the only one that missed signs.  It's difficult to find signs of suicide in a friend when you aren't looking for them, and what kind of friend would you be if you were constantly badgering and probing your friend for signs of suicide?  Just because you overlooked a sign that may or may not have been there, that doesn't mean that your friend's death was your fault.   
  
Stop making your friend the hero in this situation.  You may look for blame in yourself because you don't want to blame your friend.  You loved your friend.  You don't want to make her sound like a terrible person.  You want to visualize her as a heroic, amazing person who helped everyone around her.  This is extremely difficult to accept, but your friend was not perfect.  Suicide was a mistake on your friend's part.  Don't give your friend a break and throw yourself under the bus because of something that your friend has done.  Remember your friend for the good memories and the good things about her, but don't give yourself blame because you don't want to blame her for anything.
      
Sadly, you can't change the past.  I know this is hard.  I know that it hurts to lose a loved one to suicide.  I know you want to look back and sort through every facial expression, every word, every conversation... but the past is the past.  You are the one who matters right now.  You are the one who needs to heal.  Torturing yourself by searching out blame in yourself is not going to help anything.  You need to focus on looking forward, forgiving yourself and your friend, and reminding yourself about the good memories rather than the painful ones. 

If you are considering suicide, I hope this helps you realize how truly painful your death will be for those around you.  You may be thinking that your death will put blame on those who have hurt you and made your life miserable.  But instead, your death is going to hurt those who love you and care about you- probably even more than it will hurt your enemies.  Close your eyes and think of two or three people who you care about the most.  These are the ones who I wrote to in this article.  These are the ones who will be tormenting themselves, blaming themselves, and hating themselves for what you will have done.  Do you realize what you are doing to those around you?  If you want to commit suicide, please talk to one of these people about your thoughts.  Please reconsider.  Your decision has the potential to crush the hearts of many, many people around you.  Please don't do this to your loved ones. 

Thank you for reading this article.  If you have any additions or comments about this article, then you can leave them in the comment box below.  I'd love to hear from you.

I'm sorry that you're reading this right now.  I'm sorry if you feel blame towards yourself.  Please continue to remind yourself that the death of your loved one was not your fault.  You are not at fault here.  The sooner it takes for you to realize this, the sooner you can heal. 

Check back next week for my article about coping the right way after the death of a loved one to suicide.       

Before I say anything, I would like to make it clear that I am not writing this to judge you, to look down on you, or to tell you that you're going to hell.  You don't need to feel defensive or offended before you read what I have to say... and I hope you don't feel that way after you finish reading.  You may not believe in God, but I do, and maybe this blog will help you see a little bit more where I am coming from as a Christian.  Will you hear me out? 

Christians and homosexuals have never seemed to get along.  I've seen pictures of 'Christians' holding up signs that say, "God hates fags."  They are so wrong and I'm sorry you've had to see that and be judged and put down like that.  I mean, where in the Bible does it say, "For God so loved the world... minus the gay people."?  Nowhere.  God doesn't hate you, no matter what you've been told.  When Christians hate you, they're making fools of themselves and their so-called religion.  They aren't expressing the love that the Jesus who they claim to worship expressed when He died on the cross for everyone, despite sexual orientation.  My God doesn't hate gay people.  My God doesn't hate you, no matter what you've done. 

Honestly, you and I have an equal chance of going to hell if we're going to base it only on our actions.  Homosexual or not, if you base your salvation on actions, you're going to hell.  Ouch... right?  It's not just you though.  It's me too.  If anyone on this green earth is a sinner, I am.  I have told lies, defiled my body, and used my words to hurt others.  I am a sinner.  The only difference salvation-wise between you and I (and I'm assuming here.  You can tell me if I'm wrong), is that I repented for my sins and accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior a few years back.  That's the only difference.  I still sin every day.  I try not to, but I do.  And I'm forgiven.  Don't be put off by my words here.  I'm not going to give the whole salvation plan right now.  You've probably heard it.  If not, then leave me a comment and I will talk to you for as long as you like.

Here could be a good place for me to quote a whole lot of Bible verses about how you're headed straight to hell with your gay lifestyle, but I'm not going to.  I'll go ahead and post the links to some Bible verses about homosexuality and you can read them for yourself, but I don't want to preach at you and put you down.  How do I have any right to do that?  I'm a sinner too.  I'd be a hypocrite if I judged you.  All I want to do is share with you what I know to be the truth and let you know about the sincere love that Jesus has for you.  Here are the verses that you can read for yourself about homosexuality: Leviticus 18:22, Leviticus 20:13, 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, Romans 1:26-28.

If I am going to tell you the truth about what I think about homosexuality, I'll have to say this: I do think it's wrong for a man to have sex with a man and for a woman to have sex with a woman.  The Bible- which I believe is faultless- says that it's wrong to commit homosexual acts.  But do you know what else the Bible says is wrong? Adultery.  What else? Fornication- sex outside of marriage.  What else? Lusting after someone in your heart.  These are all sexual sins and I know many Christians who struggle with each and every one of them. Basically, even as a Christian, people are going to have sexual temptations.  I know young teens who are sleeping around- sinning- and are being let into church.  I know men and women who are living together, unmarried- sinning- who are being let into church.  What I want to know is why very few churches are not allowing homosexuals- whose sin is no worse (and no better) than any of these others'- into church.

I'm not going to deny that I think homosexuality is wrong.  But I'm not going to push you away from me if you are homosexual.  I'm not going to think any less of you as a human being.  I'm still going to treat you with the same dignity and respect as I would any other sinner on the face of this earth.  I have no right to say you're going to hell just because you're gay.  All I can say is that if you have not accepted Jesus Christ to be your Savior and repented of your sins, then you might have something to worry about... but because you're a sinner in general, not singularly because you're gay.

Finally, I would like to apologize to you and to all homosexuals out there for the persecution that the Christian Church has put upon you.  It is sinful, unjust, and completely ungodly to look down upon you as a person for this sin.  We need to focus on loving people instead of focusing on what they do wrong.  We should make it clear that we think that homosexuality is wrong- and I think we have- and then love you anyways.  That's what Jesus Christ did.  He makes it clear that He hates all sin, but we keep on sinning and He keeps on loving us.  So I'm sorry for what you've endured because of us.

I'm not going to say that God says it's okay to be gay, because I don't believe that.  But I am going to say that I love you the same and I wish you the best.  I am not homophobic.  I am not disgusted by you.  I'm not afraid to be friends with a gay person, so long as he or she is clear about where I stand.  I'm not afraid to talk to you about what you believe and about what I believe.  And I love you... in a sisterly way.  Leave me a comment if you have something to say.  I don't mind.

Have an amazing day.
Love,
Emily