The person I thought was me is slowly crumbling into nothing. I'm not sure what is wrong with me. I'm tired. My mind is gone. My personality isn't even the same. Is this all because of Gatlin? I don't know.
I'm tired of fighting. I'm so tired of being strong, of being so fake. I don't want to be like that anymore. I want to be myself, but who is myself? I can't find me. I'm searching my heart every night to the point of not being able to sleep. I haven't slept in days. I'm so tired. Why is this happening to me?
The night before he died. Gatlin: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
What does this mean? What purpose does this have? What is the point of life if you're just going to die without DOING anything? Gatlin died at fifteen. How many people die at such a young age, in so much pain? I mean, WHY did God put us down here if life is just going to suck?
I don't know.
I'm so ready for something new. Last year, God blasted into my summer and saved my life. I wonder if He could do it again. This summer has to change something in me. It has to be different. It has to be.
Gatlin, I miss you. Why have you done this to me? Come back.
I wrote this next little entry a few months after that. See how much my heart had already healed.
I still smile. :)
I still believe in Jesus.
I still love.
I still dance in the rain. (I just did the other day.)
I still listen to music about changing the world.
I still dream of doing just that.
I'm still Emily, although a different one than I ever thought I'd be.
I'm going to be me.
I'm going to figure this out.
I also found a few entries from the day Gatlin committed suicide and two days after that. They were so filled with hurt and confusion that I decided not to share them. I'm not sure what good they would do for anyone.
However, reading these snapshots of my heart from this difficult time in my life has brought me so much encouragement.
With the Lord's help, I can make it through anything. He brings healing and peace and true joy.
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.