Today I'm going to get a little bit more personal than usual, and honestly, I'm a little uncomfortable about it. I'm not even sure if I can form what I want to say into rational thought, but I'll try.
I feel like the Lord has been rebuking me today. I'm not sure how I know this exactly, but I do.
But I shouldn't be normal.
Romans 12:2 says, "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." I am not of the world. I am a child of God... so just because it's a normal thing of the world to have one's heart taken and overwhelmed by thoughts of something else, I don't think this should be normal for me.
I should spend more time thinking, daydreaming, and talking about my precious, beautiful Savior than I do about anything else.
I rationalize it all to myself, thinking: "I go to church, life group, Breakaway, and I have small Bible studies with my friends. I have a daily quiet time. I spend so much time with the Lord. Surely all that is good enough." But it's not quantity that matters... it's quality. Am I putting Him absolutely first in my thoughts each day? No, not always.
I know there will be a time when I'll be allowed to open my heart more than it is now, and that time could be quite soon, but it isn't today. I feel like God placed a hand on my shoulder and He is whispering into my ear, "Wait, Emily. Give it a little more time, and in the meanwhile, look to Me instead."
I want to open my heart to grow in Him, not to fill my desires on my own terms. I truly believe that if I seek the Lord whole-heartedly, He will fulfill every desire of my heart. He knows what is best for me and I do believe He's working on this exact situation.
So yes, my heart feels a little sore today. I'm having some conversation with my Father and not everything He has to say feels so good in the moment. But then again, it does. I trust Him.
It will be okay.